It’s been, by my count, nine years six months thirteen days fourteen hours and two minutes since we last had the opportunity to watch top-flight competitive football. That’s a long time. How long? If my math is correct, and I believe it is, exactly nine years six months thirteen days fourteen hours and ... three minutes, long.
Given the extended hiatus, many of us have picked up new hobbies, from baking to drawing to crying. We now fill our recreational time — time we used to spend talking about football, anticipating football, and watching football — with these newfound tasks. In truth, if any of them were as fun as football, we would’ve been doing them already.
Since the game we all love has vanished, and our time has been spent doing other things, it’s possible, dear reader, that you have forgotten what football is even like. The passion, the angst, the joy, the pain, the creation, the desperation, the fun. It was a perfect thing.
Thankfully, the official internet page dedicated to Chelsea FC Women has plumbed the dusty archives of nine years six months thirteen days fourteen hours and ... five minutes ago, to compile a batch of relics we used to call ‘goals’.
Goals, as we called them, were so much fun. The ball would spin and roll around, sometimes aimlessly, until one bold brave among the twenty-two would decide to magic it into the net. They were a delight. An absolute delight!
Perhaps no team were better at the scoring of these goals in football’s final years (nine years six months thirteen days fourteen hours and ...six minutes ago) than Chelsea FC Women. Through twenty-four games played across three domestic competitions, the pride of Kingsmeadow scored seventy-one goals. That’s an average of 2.95 goals per game. That is absurd. Frankly, outrageous.
The compilation of goals scored across twenty-four games doesn’t feature replays and will still take you over ten minutes to watch. And watch you should — your new hobbies can wait.
Because I am kind, here is a list of my favorites:
0:05 - Bethany England left-footed rocket vs Tottenham
1:08 - Fran Kirby assist, Bethany England mini self-volley vs Arsenal
1:57 - Long-range bullet from Ji So-yun
3:27 - Ji hits a perfect free kick
4:59 - Guro Reiten’s left-footed side volley from outside the box (you read that right, go watch)
5:51 - Peak 2019-20 Chelsea, ball flying by defenders from foot to foot to foot until it’s in goal
6:36 - Bethany England ruining Arsenal’s life, again
6:47 - Tony Stark made Guro Reiten’s left foot and it shows
6:55 - Sophie Ingle’s left-footed volley into the far side netting
8:20 - Erin Cuthbert doing Erin Cuthbert tings
9:50 - Bethany England right-footed blast vs Manchester City
10:05 BETHANY ENGLAND CUP WINNER (she refused to stop terrorizing Arsenal, and)