Arsenal target Declan Rice in not at all revenge signing on Chelsea — reports

Having been gazumped quite hilariously by Chelsea for No.1 Mikel Arteta Fan, Mykhailo Mudryk, Arsenal have made sure to let everybody know that they are quite interested in signing Declan Rice, our £80m former Academy trainee, Mason Mount’s BFF, and our forever transfer target.

Reports from The Times and The Guardian will have you know that the West Ham captain has been on the Arsenal radar for at least a “few weeks”, presumably because their scouts had been sleeping for the previous 100 years like Brothers Grimm’s Sleeping Beauty. Then again, a few weeks is practically an eternity compared to the few hours in which we convinced Mudryk that Blue suits his eyes, hair, and quads much better than red.

Meanwhile, The Athletic’s David Ornstein, once best known for his connections at Arsenal, has gone on record in saying that he felt a great disturbance in the narrative force over the weekend, as if a million Gunners cried out in “shock, definite disappointment, and a little bit of bitterness” after Mudryk’s signing.

All that said, unless Arsenal suffer a spectacular collapse, not only will they qualify for the Champions League next season, but will do so as league champions — things that certainly would appeal to Rice’s True Blue Chelsea DNA. Manchester United, who were the other front-runners before alongside us will probably also be able offer the glitz and glamour of the Champions League, while all we can offer at this point is a project and some vibes.

Choose wisely, Dec!

Photo by Jake Turney/Comic Relief via Getty Images