How do you rate Chelsea’s January transfer window?

Like Gretchen once did with fetch, the Rumor Mill really tried to make Ousmane Dembélé happen this January. But it was never going to happen. And sure enough, it didn’t.

In the end, even Fabrizio Romano couldn’t maintain the facade of there being an actual story behind any of his and everybody else’s nonsense, tweeting hilariously that Dembélé “has never been really close” to leaving Barcelona, which is just the absolute chef’s kiss of an admission after milking that rumor for every last drop over the past few weeks. It’s a tweet that should absolutely undermine his own “business”, but inexplicably it just keeps feeding the mongering machine. Conjure magic for the mob and they’ll be distracted, as the great Gracchus once said.

But enough movie references.

Chelsea came into this window with one clear objective: solve the depth problem at left wing-back with Ben Chilwell ruled out for the season. And we’ve certainly arrived at a solution in the strictest sense, though how good Kenedy (or Malang Sarr in a back-four) will be in a practical application remains to be seen. Very few would’ve expected this outcome, I’d hazard to guess, that’s for sure.

And no, (Eden) Hazard didn’t come back. That was almost as silly as the Dembélé nonsense.

It was actually a very quiet transfer window, which I appreciated personally even if that came at the expense of clicks to this here blog. What are we if not slaves to the transfer market?! Can football be actually enjoyed without the constant speculation (not to mention the constant overreactions)? But I digress.

Chelsea did sign a couple teenagers, 18-year-old left wing-back Dylan Williams from Derby County, who’s joined the Development Squad, and 18-year-old striker Mason Burstow from Charlton Athletic, who’s remained with Charlton on loan to the end of the season. We’ll check back with these two in a few months if not years.

Speaking of loans, Jamie Cumming, Juan Castillo, and Tino Anjorin all switched assignments, to MK Dons (from Gillingham), Charlton (from Birmingham), and Huddersfield (from Lokomotiv Moscow-ham), respectively.

We did see a couple Loan Army warriors leave for good, with Lewis Baker, 26, and Tariq Uwakwe, 22 saying so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye. Baker’s joined Stoke City (and has already scored!), while Uwakwe’s off to Crewe Alexandra. No first-team players left, not even Ross “Boss Sauce” Barkley.

Photo by William Early/Getty Images

There was a ton of action elsewhere, especially in the lower reaches of the Premier League table, though Liverpool did sign Luis Díaz for €45m from Porto, which will be promptly ignored by Jürgen Klopp the next time he complains about other teams spending money. Same goes for Spurs, who signed Dejan Kulusevski and Rodrigo Bentancur from Juventus, the former on a loan-to-buy, while loaning out Bryan Gil, Gio Lo Celso, and (record-signing!) Tanguy Ndombele. Juve used Spurs’ money to help acquire Dušan Vlahović from Fiorentina for €60m, leaving Arsenal grasping at thin air.

Newcastle, as expected, went ham on a lot of English beef (Dan Burn, Chris Wood — Kiwi beef!, Kieran Trippier, Matt Targett, etc) but also signed Bruno Guimarães from Lyon, leaving Arsenal again grasping at thin air. Villa made some noise by bringing in Philippe Coutinho on loan from Barcelona, who in turn brought in Adama Traoré (from Wolves) and Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang (from Arsenal). Meanwhile, new Everton boss Frank Lampard added Dele Alli and Donny van de Beek (on loan) to his squad.

Photo by Tony McArdle/Everton FC via Getty Images

That’s just scratching the surface of what was nearly a record January (£295m spent by Premier League teams), though we shouldn’t forget the impressively heartwarming news of Christian Eriksen returning to football by signing with Brentford through the end of the season.

Chelsea obviously didn’t participate much, continuing our trend of recent winters, and that’s probably okay. No need to panic buy. Time to start planning for the summer however.