BELIEVE: Ted Lassoing the Haaland and Lukaku speculation for Chelsea, or at least trying

The first episode of Season 2 of Ted Lasso dropped today (Friday), and there was much rejoicing. Roy Kent, you absolute pundit-hating Love-Island-watching U9-coaching relationship-advicing hero!

And since now I’m in a positive, optimistic, even-nice-guys-can-finish-first mood — only this show can make you feel good with an episode that features the tragic death of a dog — let’s see what silly nonsense is happening with the rumor mill, which, like Ted, just want you to BELIEVE that we can sign Erling Haaland (or Romelu Lukaku ... or Robert Lewandowski, even).

Unfortunately, unlike Coach Lasso, who is 20/20 in man-management, the rumor mill’s strategy is to simply keep on repeating the same things over and over, and hope that we can will them into existence through our BELIEVE-ing — right, George Benson?

Take the Lukaku rumors.

Our failure to build a team with him remains one of the bigger mistakes of the past decade (see also: Kevin De Bruyne and Mo Salah), given the chance to undo that error, we might do well to jump at it. But it might take more than just a tin of Lasso Biscuits, as we learned in 2017. In fact, it might take around €100m+, and that’s assuming that he’d be willing to jump ship at Inter, which also looks unlikely.

And that remains the situation now, just as it was last month — even more so with Inter cashing in on Achraf Hakimi in the meantime to balance their books.

But that’s alright; Haaland is the big prize anyway, the next RonaldoZlatanVanBasten as you know.

Like Inter, Borussia Dortmund are under no financial pressure to sell following Jadon Sancho’s transfer to Manchester United — and they’re guaranteed to get at least €75m anyway in the end, even if they wait — and like Lukaku, Haaland doesn’t appear to be pushing to leave the club this summer.

But no matter, because our most outrageously mind-boggling and jaw-dropping and statement-making bid of €150-175m is imminent, right? Any day now! And if not today, then tomorrow. Or the day after. Or any one of these days between now and the end of August.

Or not.

Even Ted Lasso gets relegated sometimes.

P.S.: Obviously, I have no sources and unlike many on Twitter, I also claim to have none. I suppose there is possible outcome where Tammy Abraham goes to, say, Arsenal and we do in fact test BVB with a near-world record transfer bid that approaches Neymar’s €222m transfer to PSG. And that would be very pleasantly surprising and exciting indeed. But sorry, all you Coach Teds, I’m not ready to BELIEVE.