Abramovich ‘releases funds’ for Haaland transfer, only tells BILD in Germany about it

Another day, another Haaland rumor, despite it still not looking even remotely likely that we have a chance of actually making this transfer a reality.

But in transfer-fantasy land, Roman Abramovich put on his shiniest, sparkliest, most bedazzling suit this morning, did a movie star turn, and announced as BILD’s cameras zoomed in dramatically, to “RELEASE THE KRAKEN!”, which is what he calls his bank card.

That’s the claim from the German tabloid who want you to either pay for the privilege of reading this drivel, or sully yourself by clicking this link to the Daily Mail. (OR just do a Google search, since this is all over the interwebs now.) Or just keep reading since you already sold your mortal soul, and I haven’t even taught you how to dance real slow.

Abramovich has “released the funds” necessary for a Haaland bid, BILD will have you know, which if the previous speculation has any basis in reality, is possibly around £150m (€175m). That’s probably not counting the fee that’d be due to the 20-year-old’s agent, Mino Raiola, a cool €40m and the rights to your first-born son. You know, Roman, bubby, that money could be earning some solid interest and dividends right now! Might have to release a couple Krakens.

To help balance the books, BILD claim that we will raise £90m with outgoing transfers of Tammy Abraham (maybe), Hakim Ziyech (unlikely), and Callum Hudson-Odoi (definitely not).

Are we having fun yet?