Kurt Zouma has accomplished a fair few things in his 24 years and change on this planet.
In light of today’s B-B-B-B-BREAKING news (reports of tabloid reports denying tabloid reports in the classic 2-for-1 rumor-mongering scenario) here are a few things he hasn’t.
Kurt Zouma has not jumped high enough to reach low Earth orbit.
Kurt Zouma has not run faster than a speeding bullet.
Kurt Zouma has not changed his middle name from Happy to Angry.
Kurt Zouma has not taken Eden Hazard’s old No.10 shirt.
Kurt Zouma has not gone to Japan to star in his own anime series.
Kurt Zouma has not summarized all seven parts of Proust’s À la recherche du temps perdu.
Kurt Zouma has not spent the last week binging season 3 of Love Island (#CAMJAM).
Kurt Zouma has not given up this football life to compete in the Tour de France.
Kurt Zouma has not submitted a transfer request.
Told Kurt #Zouma has not handed in an official transfer request, and currently has no plans to do so despite interest from #efc. #cfc considering loaning out #Tomori, eliminating another of his immediate rivals for a first-team spot— Paul Brown (@pbsportswriter) July 21, 2019
Thank you for your attention. Your may carry on with the rest of your day. Or not. That does seem to be the theme, after all.