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Here comes the BOOM: Tancredi claims Sarri agreement ‘done’ with Juventus

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Party like it’s 2013

Anglo-Dutch Battle Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images

It was the year 2013, and the Second Mourinho Dynasty Era Three-year cycle was set to begin. It was a more innocent time. The Interim One was gone. The Special Happy One was home. He was going to put (t)his house in order. It was a time for optimism, for belief, for trust. Chelsea were signing Edinson Cavani, and it was going to be great!

And then Tancredi took it all away. Boom. I should probably thank him — BOOM — for knocking some sense into me. Boom. (Much like the phrase “dead to me”, this isn’t meant in a literal sense, Mr. Palmeri.)

Looking back now, it’s even sillier than it all was at the time. We here at WAGNH had always approached transfer rumors with generally more skepticism than most, but back in 2013 I still had some part of me ready to believe. Transfer rumors are by far the biggest and most powerful forces in football media, but for a while there, I believed they may be worth something substantial. I wanted to believe. In a way, I needed to believe. Cavani would’ve been a dream signing, mind you.

Tancredi Palmeri was the big winner of the 2013 summer transfer window. He was the pioneer. The Alfredo Pedullàs of the world were still just little sucklings. Tancredi played Twitter like a virtuoso, a BOOM here, a tease there, assorted nonsense elsewhere. He became more powerful than anyone could ever imagine. We all fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.

The Cavani saga cured me of my ailment. The Paul Pogba SUPERBOOM of 2015 was the booster shot I needed.

So today’s report is just a mere curiosity, a bit of amusing sideshow for a slow weekend. Sarri may or may not leave Chelsea to end up at Juventus, but that won’t have anything to do with any of this.

In any case, the incredible Tancredi, these days writing for whatever SNAI is — apparently an online casino and gambling joint? (LOL!) — claims that not only did he first break this news on May 17 (oops, missed that one), but now he’s the first to report that FOR SURE Maurizio Sarri WILL be Juventus manager come next season. The three-year contract at €7m (or €6+1m) WILL be signed as soon as Sarri is out of Chelsea, which will come after Wednesday’s Europa League final.

Extra fun details include Sarri being an Abramovich choice/favorite rather than a Granovskaia choice/favorite and Pep Guardiola playing the role of Claudia Schiffer — as in Juve asking Pep being analogous to you asking Claudia Schiffer out on a date — because it wouldn’t be a Tancredi Palmeri original without an unnecessarily cringey, out-dated, borderline sexist window dressing.

So there you have it.

Ready or not, here comes the BOOM.

After four years of successfully ignoring him — it was easy; he blocked me on Twitter after misunderstanding what the aforementioned “dead to me” phrase meant — today that streak unfortunately ends.

Days Without Tancredi: ~1460
Days Without Tancredi: 0