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Transfer rumours fall into perhaps four groupings. There are the safe bets, the ones in which everyone's pretty sure that all parties are interested and talking to each other. Then there are the anyone's guesses; transfer kindling, if you like, using real sources and that lead to real consequences (if not necessarily actual transfers). Then there's the generic, terrible background noise, the playground of the in-the-know or the Metro. These, obviously, are best ignored. And then there are the downright hilarious, which sort of deserve exploring just because they're so silly.

Guess which bucket I think Yaya Toure to Chelsea -- today's EXCLUSIVE Express story -- falls into?

On the face of it, you can kind of sort of see this happening. Toure is grumpy (his talkative agent, Dimitri Seluk, has said a move away this summer is likely) and his style of play as a rampaging attacking midfielder would suit Mourinho to a tee. Why wouldn't want Chelsea want one of Manchester City's most influential players?

Because it would be bug[fun] insane, is why. When you take a step back and look at the cost of keeping Toure on a team -- and I don't even mean the psychological and baking costs, though both are surely substantial -- it's difficult not to see the Ivorian as the single most damaging presence on Manchester City's squad. His wages are stratospheric, and his production is erratic and should be expected to become even more so as he enters the twilight of his career. Although City will say otherwise, moving him along and reinvesting the money into younger talents is the best thing they could do to refresh their squad.

Chelsea aren't stupid. The club are certainly aware of the composition issues in City's squad that have been building for years, and it would be shocking if they didn't consider his potential departure a significant annoyance as they look to consolidate their hold at the top of the Premier League.

The idea that we would hand City a lifeline and spend an absurd amount of money on a 32-year-old is utterly, utterly bonkers. And even if my analysis is wildly off, and Yaya Toure is still a very valuable player despite his contract, all that would mean is that City wouldn't want to sell to Chelsea. Either way, this seems hilariously unlikely to lead to anything. But I suppose those papers won't sell themselves.