Transfer Talk: The four horsemen of the Moupocalypse

Well, thanks to the Jose Mourinho presser after Real Madrid's loss at the Santiago Bernabeu, everyone's talking about the Special One's impending return to Chelsea. It's not yet known, of course, whether or not he'll be back at Stamford Bridge, but by now the rumours have metamorphosed into the freight train of narrative, and a happy reunion with our former manager seems like a matter of time.

But back to the stories. In response to the Mourinho chat, the reasonably reliable (and delightfully strange) Tancredi Palmeiri has passed on the following from Sky Italia:

Abramovich promised to Mourinho, in this order: 1) Falcao; 2) Di Maria; 3) Moutinho; 4) Pepe.

— Tancredi Palmeri (@tancredipalmeri) April 30, 2013

Why Sky Italia would know things, I'm not quite sure, but they got the Pep Guardiola story before anyone else so I'm not going to dismiss them out of hand. And anyway, even if this is all nonsense it does open us up for an interesting discussion on what the team might actually need for the future. Let's go through the supposed transfer targets in order, quick and dirty.

Radamel Falcao

Do Chelsea need a striker?

Depends on whether or not Romelu Lukaku is ready to lead the line at Chelsea. Assuming Fernando Torres is unsellable, Lukaku plus Demba Ba plus Torres would represent a huge improvement on the current order, and adding a star striker to the mix would disrupt his development. But if Lukaku goes out on loan again, a world-class striker would be pretty obviously welcome.

Is he any good?

He is Radamel Falcao. Yes, he is good.

Would Atletico Madrid sell him?

Yes, although he'd cost a lot of money. Look for Chelsea to spend close to Torres money if he comes.

How happy would you be with this transfer?

6/10. Falcao's a great player, but there are surely more efficient solutions that to buy someone that expensive and at the peak of their powers.

Angel di Maria

Do Chelsea need a winger?

Not really. Despite the complains as to the lack of a 'true' winger, Chelsea are pretty stacked out wide and there's no obvious place for di Maria to fit in, especially if Andre Schurrle joins the team.

Is he any good?

He is a starter for Real Madrid, and sometimes looks every bit as good as Cristiano Ronaldo. He's inconsistent and injury-prone, however. He's perfectly good.

Would Real Madrid sell him?

If they want to open up space for another player there, sure. But we should try to buy whoever they're going to replace him with, in that case. And yes, it would be expensive.

How happy would you be with this transfer?

3/10. I'd be mostly nonplussed -- it looks more like a luxury buy than anything particularly useful. With FFP considerations, I'd rather us not waste cash on a position of minimal need.

Joao Moutinho

Do Chelsea need a passing central midfielder?

Very yes. Central midfield is the single greatest weakness on the team at the moment. Ther are problems with both depth and ability, especially from the creative side of things.

Is he any good?

He's pretty decent. Probably doesn't get the praise he deserves at the moment, because Porto are a little bit out of the way, but he's almost certainly capable of regular starts with Chelsea.

Would Porto sell him?

Probably. Although I wonder if they've forgiven us for the Andre Villas-Boas thing yet.

How happy would you be with this transfer?

8/10. Moutinho shouldn't be too expensive, fills and obvious hole and the only strike against him is that he's already 26. I'd dig this one quite a lot.

Pepe

Do Chelsea need a central defender?

Yes. The lack of mobility of the current back four, as well as the injury problems that seem to plague John Terry, Gary Cahill and David Luiz means that the centre back corps will probably need reinforcing.

Is he any good?

Think Cahill except make him prone to random bouts of violence and really really unlikeable.

Would Real Madrid sell him?

With Rafael Varane in the ranks I think they'd be happy to be rid of the guy.

How happy would you be with this transfer?

1/10. Don't want him on the team, if that's alright with everyone.