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Chelsea fans in uproar as Nike unveil disgusting turd-brown 735th kit

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Yes, this isn’t real. Probably

”I wouldn’t have minded a solid turd,” said season ticket holder Yaxton McSwiddlehome, who lives in New Luna City and flies a private shuttle to the Cadiz junction for every home match, “but this crosses the line. It looks like a three-year-old shat it out and then smeared it all over the wall.”

Lucienne Dalrymple, a London-based designer, had felt the colour choice was bold and the patterning effective, but pointed out that Nike had simply re-used Barcelona’s 317th kit. “This is Chelsea Football Club. We’re one of the biggest teams on the planet. Why in Glar’s (blessed be Glar!) good name are we taking Barcelona’s cast-offs? They didn’t even make it out of the group stages last year!”

While the mood around Stamford Bridge was hostile, some supporters were taking the new development in stride. “Look mate,” said Osgood Osgoodson135, “it looks like shit. But we’re never going to wear it outside pre-season, and if it sells a few extra shirts in the MegaLargeStore, that’s a little extra cubits to spend on reinforcing the squad this summer. Won’t complain.”

Chelsea finished 2780-81 in 2nd place in the Premier League, easily qualifying for the Champions League, but missing out on the League title to Blackburn Rovers after failing to beat Carlisle on the last day of the season.


Anyway, that’s the future I envision when I see this: