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Chelsea unveil new goal-line tech that ensures Kepa will never concede at the Bridge

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G.E.N.I.U.S.

New Chelsea signing Kepa Arrizabalaga, the most expensive goalkeeper in the world, may laugh in the face of pressure and expectations, but his €80m transfer fee ensures that there is a loooooong long long drop below him if he does fall on his face. And it’s highly unlikely that he could win a corner or score essentially an empty-net goal in the Champions League to repay that fee in one fell swoop like some who had been in a similar situation in the SW6.

Fortunately, Chelsea are taking every precaution to ensure that the 23-year-old will be an instant and long-lasting success.

BEHOLD:

“Facing visiting attackers at the Bridge this season...” will be Kepa Arrizabalaga ... stretched across the goalmouth on a giant banner, secured by 42 straps (I counted). Clearly, this is not a random number, it’s the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything, including Chelsea conceded goals. Thanks, Deep Thought!

Kepa said in his “Getting to Know” feature on Chelsea TV that he wants to be a club legend. I’d say he’s well on his way already.

(But what about away games, you might ask? Well ... crap. I guess we’re going to have to try to play well, or something.)