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The only thing holding Jorginho hostage is his love for head coach Maurizio Sarri

Time to call in Interpol!

Photo by Darren Walsh/Chelsea FC via Getty Images

“Allô, ici l’Organisation internationale de police criminelle.”
“Hello, is this Interpol?”
“Oui monsieur, I just said it was. ‘Ow may I ‘elp you?”
“I’d like to report a kidnapping and extortion.”
“C’est grave, this is serious. Where are you calling from?”
“Where did this crime occur?”
“Not Manchester?”
“No. Not as such. Also, Napoli.”
“And how does a man in Manchester know about a crime committed in London and Italy?”
Because we was robbed!
“We should add robbery to the kidnapping and extortion?”
“No, no, but we’re the real victims.”
“Uh-huh. Do tell.”
“See, we had this deal to buy Jorginho from Napoli. But now he’s in London playing for Chelsea.”
“You had a signed contract?”
“No. Not as such. A handshake, really. But between gentlemen!”
“I see.”
“Jorginho really wanted to come to Manchester. We all know it in our bones.”
“He said so?”
“No. Not as such. But we have the baldest coach, the third-most Premier League titles and lovely weather. Sometimes.”
“I see.”
“Then his conniving club owner made a deal with the London gangsters for more money, threatened Jorginho with a role in the stands if he didn’t go, which is extortion. Then he had him kidnapped off to Chelsea.”
“Did the player say he didn’t want to go to London?”
“No. Not as such. But it’s obvious!”
“Any photos of this crime?”
“Yes! He’s clearly under duress to be reunited with his coach at a club with more Premier League titles, in a much nicer city, that has terrible weather. Sometimes. Look, here he is screaming in pain.”

“He looks ‘appy to me, monsieur.”
“Fake news! And while you’re at it, arrest that man Pedullà, too. He’s clearly in on this!”

“I need you to calm down, sir. Has the player said anything about this dreadful state of affairs?”
“No. Not as such. But he left this Instagram post on Sunday and it’s obviously a cry for help.”

“Monsieur, that could be about who burned the apple pie last night. Or maybe he’s a big fan of the X-Files. Or that you’re telling a large one. Are you?”
“No. We wuz robbed! A crime has been committed!”
“Sigh. Well, cher monsieur, Interpol suggests that you furnish proof that a crime has been committed. Until then, it might be a good idea to stop complaining. It makes you look, ah, what eez the word? Ah yes, gazumped.”

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