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The Daily Hilario: Winter Olympics sports, ranked

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Your daily dose of off-topic shenanigans.

Olympics: Pre-Olympics features Peter Casey-USA TODAY Sports

The Winter Olympics are the most fun sporting event in the world.

There are no bad sports there, but some are better than others.

This is a definitive list, proven by science.

  1. CURLING — Strategy, skill, precision, teamwork, it’s all here. The more you watch it, the more fun it gets. Like layers of an onion, the complexity and tactics peel back play by play.
  2. CURLING — And there’s even mixed doubles now, which adds the extra wrinkles of faster games, fewer shots (so greater emphasis on each shot), and each player having a bigger impact on the outcome.
  3. BIATHLON — How else are you going to prepare for the impending nuclear winter and zombie apocalypse?
  4. SHORT TRACK — Pure mayhem.
  5. ALPINE SKIING — This is a broad category, but it’s the first (and only) sport on this list that I actively pursue as well (not competitively, obviously).
  6. BOBSLEIGH — Feel the rhythm; feel the rhyme.
  7. SKELETON & LUGE — For those who don’t think bobsleigh is extreme enough.
  8. SKI JUMPING — Something that looks super fun and super scary at the same time.
  9. HOCKEY — Hockey is easily one of my favorite sports, but sorry, no NHL players this year. Here are the impressively uninspiring rosters for this tournament. Russia will probably wipe the floor with everyone, just like back in the USSR “amateur” days.
  10. FREESTYLE SKIING — Something that looks not so much fun and super scary at the same time. That said, this event live (watched it at Vancouver 2010) is pretty fun.
  11. SNOWBOARDING — Not a fan of the snowpushers. Half-pipe is way cool though.
  12. NORDIC COMBINED — Crap ski jumping.
  13. CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING — A bit boring, but respect the effort it takes especially on longer distances.
  14. FIGURE SKATING — Not my cup of tea. Will watch for Tara Lipinski & Johnny Weir’s commentary.
  15. SPEED SKATING — Boooooooooring. The Dutch fans usually make it fun though.

The Opening Ceremony starts shortly, at 3am PST / 6am EST / 11am GMT. In the US, for the first time ever, NBC will actually LIVE stream it instead of the usual tape-delay nonsense. And even better, it will be “natural sound” only (i.e. no annoying commentators).