Chelsea could sign World’s Greatest Human ahead of transfer deadline

David Luiz is many things. Sideshow Bob-haired cult hero. Champions League winner. Sex geezer. Purveyor of incredibly sneaky violence. Centre back.

Wait, what’s that last one? Centre back? Chelsea need one of those!

And so arrives the transfer rumour to end all transfer rumours. It’s only the Mail, but they have the Blues making an approach for the Paris Saint-Germain defender after being rebuffed in their pursuit of pretty much everyone else. The cost? £32 million, which would be significantly less than he was sold for in the first place.

Ignoring Luiz’s (probably overblown) reputation as a dodgy defender for a second to focus on the rumour itself, it’s unclear whether there’s anything to this. The Mail mention that the Blues have ‘set the wheels in motion’ on a bid, which is Mail-speak for ‘haven’t made a bid’, and it’s difficult to see how something like this could be sorted out in time for the transfer deadline.

And once we add Luiz’s reputation to the mix, things get even stranger. Would Antonio Conte, who loathes poor positioning so much that he fired Baba Rahman into space, really want to deal with Luiz in his defence? Would the Brazilian really be welcomed back to Stamford Bridge with open arms? They’re open questions, certainly.

But ignoring all of those doubts, this would be hilarious. David Luiz is a beautiful human and he makes the world a brighter, sillier place. No, I don’t think this transfer is happening. I don’t even think it’s coming close to happening. But it’s the most gloriously rumour rumour we’ve heard in some time, and for that I can only salute the fine folks at the Mail.