Of course, outside of a few wayward souls in the WAGNH comment sections, no one actually wants Chelsea to sign Martin Škrtel. He's far too much of a liability, a throwback to a bygone era of dark arts defending, of scratching, clawing, pulling, wrestling, and yes, occasionally even marking and tackling the opposition forwards. Whatever it takes, however it takes, as long as it takes — qualities that make you a great teammate and a really annoying opponent.
Prime example from Saturday, the Elbow Heard Round the Twitters.
Škrtel's clearly anticipating contact but it never comes and thus ends up being an elbow to the face. Alternatively, Škrtel's just a right ol' bee-star-star-astard (on the pitch), with the looks and the tattoos to match.
He's basically Diego Costa but as an older center back, right down to the ability to get away with an infuriating (if you're playing against him) amount of dastardly things. On Saturday, against Wales, he didn't even get carded until the 92nd minute and taken in a vacuum that was actually a somewhat harsh booking.
In his 300+ games for Liverpool, Škrtel has been sent off exactly one time, for two yellows against Spurs back in 2011, though he's been suspended retroactively multiple times. He also got sent off in an U21 match during a rehab assignment earlier this year, which is hilarious. Like I said, Diego Costa, but less hairy.
(Plus, with Škrtel and Costa on the same team, Costa would no longer get suspended for things done to Škrtel. Probably. Bonus!)
It's tough to imagine Škrtel playing for anybody other than Liverpool (and Slovakia of course), but at age 31, after a season disrupted by injuries and a new manager who seems to prefer others, he could be on his way out of the club after nine seasons. Premier League newcomers Middlesbrough were apparently interested, but have dropped out. Besiktas seem like his most likely destination at the moment, though they'd be unable to match the rather substantial wages he's on at Anfield. Even if we ignore all the footballing reasons, the financials would also represent a stumbling block for Chelsea, as Škrtel still has two years left on the deal he signed last summer and we would only offer one year as per club policy.
So everyone can rest easy. This is all just a bit of fun. Though some might tell you, we could use a few more ... uh, hard-nosed ... players on this team.