clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

CONFIRMED: Chelsea will not be cloning Diego Costa

New, comments

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

Mike Hewitt/Getty Images

In his first season back at Chelsea, Jose Mourinho famously declared that a team of 11 Azpilicuetas could win the Champions League thanks to the right/left/everywhere-back's combination of skill, tenacity, and determination.  Since then, deep in the bowels of Cobham, behind seventeen layers of biometric security, six pools of sharks with flipping lasers on their heads, and a mercenary army of opulent mini-giraffe redcoats, Tleilaxu scientists have been hard at work creating the clone army.

"Azpilicueta is the kind of player I like a lot. I think a team with 11 Azpilicueta's probably could win the competition because football is not just about the pure talent. Football is also about character and personality and Azpilicueta has all those traces of a winning personality."

-Jose Mourinho, Feb 2014

Progress has been slow, and we've only seen two major versions reach maturity so far:  Right Back Dave and Left Back Dave.  Earlier this season we saw Striker Dave make a test run against West Brom, but he short-circuited in the rain soon after scoring our winning goal.  Back to the drawing board.  Goalkeeper Dave came out for a quick appearance during the offseason, but he has not been seen since.

Rumors of the cloning project have of course reached the ever-nosy media, and earlier today Jose Mourinho was asked if we were planning on changing course in the project due to the aforementioned slow progress.  Perhaps Diego Costa, a player who embodies that "proper Chels" fighting spirit and chutzpah that the New Guard is often accused of lacking could serve as the prime specimen?

Mourinho dismissed the speculation with his customary terseness and wit.

"I think we would lose every game because the desire to suspend him is so big we wouldn't have players to start the game. So I'm happy we have only one and let him play until they decide to suspend him again."

-Jose Mourinho; source: Telegraph

This football world couldn't handle more than one Diego Costa anyway.  Diego himself probably couldn't handle another Diego Costa.  We're probably best off sticking with the 11 Azpilicuetas.  How about a Defensive Midfielder Dave next?