The Daily Hilario: Cuppity cupday

FIVE IN NINE, NO BIG DEAL:

That's minutes.  Nine minutes. Literally drops the mic with the fifth one.

Records he broke:

• His first three goals were scored within 3 minutes 22 seconds, the fastest hat-trick in Bundesliga history. Former record holder Michael Tönnies, who had scored three goals in six minutes in 1991 for Duisburg against Karlsruhe and a certain Oliver Kahn, congratulated Lewandowski on Twitter: "You deserve this!"
• Four goals in 5 minutes 42 seconds is the fastest in the league's history.
• ... and, naturally, five in eight minutes 59 seconds also set a Bundesliga best.
• Lewandowski is the first substitute in Bundesliga history to score five.
• It was the first time in 24 years that somebody has scored five goals in a Bundesliga match - since Tönnies against Karlsruhe.
• Had Wolfsburg not cleared the ball off the line in the 69th minute, Lewandowski would have equalled Dieter Müller's 1977 Bundesliga best of six goals in a single match.
• It was Lewandowski's first Bayern hat-trick.

FOOTBALL (all times BST)
19.00:  La Liga, 5th vs. 2nd:  Celta de Vigo vs. Barcelona
19.00:  Bundesliga, 13th vs. 9th:  Bayer Leverkusen vs. Mainz 05
19.00:  Bundesliga, 15th vs. 2nd:  Hoffenheim vs. BVB
19.00:  KNVB Beker, 2nd round:  Heracles vs. Vitesse
19.45:  Serie A, 1st vs. 15th:  Internazionale vs. Hellas Verona
19.45:  Serie A, 13th vs. 20th:  Juventus vs. Frosinone
19.45:  Serie A, 8th vs. 5th:  Sampdoria vs. AS Roma
19.45:  League Cup, 3rd round:  Crystal Palace vs. Charlton Athletic
19.45:  League Cup, 3rd round:  MK Dons vs. Southampton
19.45:  League Cup, 3rd round:  Newcastle United vs. Sheffield Wednesday
19.45:  League Cup, 3rd round:  Norwich City vs. WBA
19.45:  League Cup, 3rd round:  Walsall vs. CHELSEA
19.45:  League Cup, 3rd round:  Tottenham Hotspur vs. Arsenal
20.00:  League Cup, 3rd round:  Liverpool vs. Carlisle United
20.00:  League Cup, 3rd round:  Manchester United vs. Ipswich Town
20.00:  La Liga, 14th vs. 3rd:  Athletic Bilbao vs. Real Madrid