Desperation is a stinky cologne, Bobby.
"That is wrong; that is illegal. The rules don't allow you to comment on players who are registered at other clubs in that open manner. That is disappointing."
-Roberto Martinez; source: Guardian
That is ... well that is certainly something else.
It would appear that the Everton manager has completely lost the plot. If that's your reaction to a simple observation from Chelsea captain John Terry — Captain, Leader, Lead Negotiator? — surely it must mean that you're at your wits' end as far as John Stones' future is concerned. Welcome to Chelsea, John Stones!
For the record, JT's comment in question was "one day I won't be in the team but Chelsea are looking to the likes of John Stones for the future, so the club will continue to grow and do well." Not sure which part of that constitutes a tapping-up, but apparently Terry must never ever mention John Stones by name. Or the "likes of" John Stones. It's WRONG and ILLEGAL, you see. And probably evil, too.
"We have a fantastic relationship between the two clubs. In the past we made our biggest investment in Chelsea [when signing Romelu Lukaku]. We all know there are rules and regulations and it is something we don't want to see when other clubs speak about your players. It is wrong and it shouldn't happen. As clubs we have a good understanding of where we are."
-Roberto Martinez; source: BT
Oh right, Lukaku. Hmm, that reminds me of something.
"We are too close to Romelu to hope he has a poor tournament! We hope he has a really, really good World Cup ... and then decides to come to us."
-Roberto Martinez; May 6, 2014; source: Liverpool Echo
I'm sure he meant "decides to come to us" in terms of just to say goodbye, right? Right??
"The parent club holds his registration, Rom will have a strong say. At the minute we can talk about his great memories. It is best to ask the parent club what is their intentions."
"He is capable of anything, Rom. That is why Chelsea spent a huge amount on his potential."
"It has been a joy to have him at the club. He has brought a lot in his open play. He is now going to a World Cup and the sky is the limit in his future."
-Roberto Martinez; May 9, 2014; source: Mail
How dare you say nice things about our player!
"You are not going to get a number 9 with the qualities Romelu Lukaku has. Romelu has a strong back to play, is incredible in one on one situations with the defender, he can link up play and finish with the left or right. He is only 20 and has scored 30 goals in the last two seasons. He has played now in different environments. He has already been through a big transfer fee and has learned from that. For me he is a well worth player in investing a big amount of money. Will that be a possibility? You don't know because you get the player and the parent club. There are many things that will play a part."
-Roberto Martinez; May 10, 2014; source: NSNO
How dare you suggest that a team should invest money in our player!
"Romelu was a great addition to Everton. He is an extraordinary boy who walks the walk as well as talking the talk. We would love to have him back and people at Chelsea are good friends of mine so we are hopeful."
-Bill Kenwright; Everton chairman; Jun 15, 2014; source: Star
So Everton want us to scratch their back, but if later, we ask them to scratch ours, they just shoot us. That's how this works, right?
"Romelu is a bit like Gerard [Deulofeu], a great player but a youngster, he arrived in Liverpool without much tactical discipline, but he has improved a lot, without losing any of his physical or technical assets. If he ends up going to Atletico, knowing the work of Diego Simeone, it will be good for Simeone and for Atletico. I also think his characteristics will suit Simeone, and vice-versa."
-Roberto Martinez; Jun 16, 2014; source: Inside Spanish Football
Wait, are you also tapping-up for Atlético? Or does it not count if you're talking about not your player and not your team, like when (not Manchester United's, officially/technically) Rio Ferdinand says that Stones should switch to Manchester United?
"We know the potential of Rom and Chelsea have been very good with the player and we have been really close with our relationship. We need to find out where we are and there is nothing more to comment."
"Every time we spoke about Rom's situation it was very clear that he wanted to go to the World Cup and then make a decision. Obviously it is not going to take too long from now on."
-Roberto Martinez; Jul 11, 2014; source: Sky
What's not going to take too long? His decision to sing for your team? A decision you have been hinting at for the previous several months? But surely, that's illegal, no?
"It would be good to have Romelu back. We know the quality he's got. There might be a bit more to do to get him back here but it would be great if he could come back in time to play in the game."
-Leon Osman; Jul 25, 2014; source: BBC
Leon Osman, tapper-upper-evildoer. Where's your outrage now, Mr. Martinez?
"There have been a lot of reports, some even saying I've told people it [a deal for Lukaku] is done, but the situation is very clear. We need a number nine going into the start of the season and we will make sure we sign one."
"Rom created incredible memories we'll never forget and enjoyed his time at Everton - but that doesn't mean anything between now and the end of the window."
-Roberto Martinez; Jul 28, 2014; source: Liverpool Echo
So Everton are looking to sign the likes of Romelu Lukaku then, eh? Hmmm, now where have I heard something similar just recently? Something about signing the likes of some player who doesn't actually belong to you in a postiion of (future) need?
By the way, here's the video of Martinez confirming to a fan that Everton will indeed sign the artist formerly known as The Kraken.
"Of course we'll get him." Smile, you're on candid camera!
"It would be disrespectful for me to speak too much about someone else's player. I don't like to see people talking too much about my players. We must be respectful to their registration of players."
"But I can speak about our relationship with Chelsea which that we were delighted with how his loan went and I think they were delighted with how he was treated and developed. He developed a big affection with our fans. It was a success. But from this point onwards it's all speculation."
"You never know when we'll have a conclusion. At his age and with what he's capable of we all know he's someone who will be wanted by many clubs and be a good number nine."
-Roberto Martinez; Jul 28, 2014; source: Liverpool Echo
Oh, so not "too much" is ok then? Presumably you're the arbiter of what constitutes "too much," right?*
"Hopefully things can be sorted out, I think he's quite settled in his mind that he wants to come to Everton, and hopefully he'll be pulling on our blue shirt again next term."
-Ian Atkins, Everton Head of Recruitment; Jul 28, 2014; source: Independent
Ian Atkins, disrespectful of player's registration. Also, head of recruitment I'm sure Martinez was quite upset.
Anyway, I think you get the point.
And that's just a sample, without any of the bulk of the comments that were said while Lukaku was on loan at Everton, spending almost a full year getting brainwashed by Martinez and Co.* Lukaku was technically our player, after all, and there was no crazy buy option or anything attached to his loan contract. His registration was held by Chelsea. And you can't talk so openly about transferring players who are registered at other clubs, right? That'd be wrong and illegal!
Lukaku of course ended up signing permanently with Everton on July 30, 2014. The difference was, we didn't throw a hissy fit just because some other team was interested in signing our player.
* Just like, as pointed out in the comments, when Martinez was pursuing Wilfried Zaha of Crystal Palace.