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What happens next?

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There's blood in the water, smoky sheets of the stuff spilling, wave after wave into the sea. But the job's not complete. Still the prey struggles, clings on to life. There's power there, danger too. The first blow has landed, hard and true, but the pack of frightened opposition can still escape the trap. Chelsea's most recent Premier League title, won after two years hard work, is merely the first step. More must follow, and quickly, if the plan is to succeed.


There's turnover amongst the title contenders. With Jurgen Klopp available, Manchester City ditch double-winning Manuel Pellegrini, who immediately takes up Sky's job offer of staring unnervingly at Crystal Palace manager Alan Pardew in the hopes of making him say something funny. The baseball cap-bedecked German takes one look at City's creaking squad, sighs, and sells everyone over 30. Yaya Toure's replacement is whatever the hell gegenpressing is.

Liverpool, meanwhile, attempt to emulate Chelsea's recent success by going back to their very own managerial legend. Rafa Benitez immediately attempts to buy Steven Gerrard back from MLS, and, having failed, uses Raheem Sterling as a bargaining chip to secure Pepe Reina and Xabi Alonso from Bayern Munich. Phillippe Coutinho is sold back to Inter after complaints that he doesn't look like he's trying hard enough.

Arsenal, secure in the knowledge that Francis Coquelin is the finest young defensive midfielder in the game, opt to strengthen at the front once more, throwing huge sums of money at Paris Saint-Germain striker Edinson Cavani. Arsene Wenger is forced to move him to inside forward within a month, where his defensive work helps cover for a paper-thin CM triangle.

It is Manchester United who prove most enduring rivals. Having bounced back from the David Moyes era by spending hundreds of millions in the transfer market, they reinvest once more, turning Real Madrid's interest in David de Gea into Gareth Bale. Mats Hummels and Ilkay Gundogan arrive from Germany, and Louis van Gaal rides his new-look side into title contention.

Chelsea buy Paul Pogba and Raphael Varane, win the title and the FA Cup, but are knocked out in the semifinals of the Champions League by United, who get battered against Barcelona in the final. Liverpool are relegated. Step two complete.


John Terry retires before the start of the season. Chelsea replace him by staging a coup d'etat against the FA, installing Jose Mourinho as emergency chairman after a a sneak attack from the Hazard-Oscar-Fabregas triangle leaves Football's governing board helpless. The Blues announce that there will be emergency elections to determine the position of FA Dictator for Life.

Chelsea win an FA Cup, Premier League and Champions League treble. Diego Costa scores a brace in the final, celebrating his 94th minute decider by stripping off and urinating on the goalpost.


Elections are held for the FA Dictator for Life position. Only active managers who've won the Premier League may submit ballots. Jose Mourinho wins 50 percent of the vote and uses his tiebreaker vote on himself. The Premier League board unanimously decides to give him full powers as well. Chelsea win an unprecedented quadruple. Step three complete.


Jose Mourinho is named High King of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and Portugal and Chelsea. He immediately declares war on a newly-independent Catalonia, reducing it to a puppet state with a brilliant single-season campaign. FC Barcelona are disbanded. Diego Costa giggles over the remains of the Camp Nou. Chelsea win another quadruple. Step four complete.


Football is long-since dead, professional sports having been rendered meaningless by genetic engineering and extensive biomodification, but Jose Mourinho remains. Having used his bases of power in Europe to unify humanity into one glorious, hate-filled whole, he looks for further challenges amongst the stars.

After years of searching, Mourinho, now a distributed, disembodied intelligence smeared over billions of whirring servers in the asteroid belt, finds what he's been looking for: a communication from an extraterrestrial intelligences embedded in the gravity waves emanating from the supermassive black hole at the heart of the Triangulum Galaxy.

Interpreting the message as a criticism of Chelsea's 'defensive' football, Mourinho immediately goes on the attack, publicly criticising the Triangulans' control 'without penetration or purpose' of their galactic black hole, and vows to gather his forces and seek revenge.


The Great War. Humanity is at first outclassed by their opposition, who after succumbing to an early salvo of surprise attacks begin to turn the tide, at one point penetrating all the way to the Milky Way's Orion Spur. But Mourinho adapts, slowing their advance at De Mairan's nebula with some brilliant manoeuvering before stealing Triangulan technology to unleash a furious, 25,000 year counteroffensive that pushes them back into intergalactic space entirely.

Solar Admiral Eden Hazard wins Premier League Player of the Year, the award having been voted on by a panel consisting of Jose Mourinho.


The Great War ends. Having mastered the advanced physics and technology of the Triangulans, Mourinho uses it from range to warp every star in the galaxy into a blue hypergiant. Their civilisation is destroyed by the radiation. Pundits complain that while humanity are deserved winners, the method of victory wasn't particularly exciting, claiming that the Triangulans -- whom nobody has ever met or spoken to -- probably deserved a penalty for handball during the Battle of the Butterfly Cluster.


Jose Mourinho, bored of mankind, gathers his most trusted servants from across local space into a 300-mile wide starship and launches himself in the direction of the Great Void. Nobody ever hears what becomes of him. Bereft of their leader, human civilisation fractures and falls. But somewhere out there, The Special One endures. Step five complete.

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