The quality of transfer rumors associated with Chelsea has really dipped this week. And that's probably saying something, since the floor is pretty low on such stories. How low can we go?
We're getting random buzz about Emmanuel Adebayor and Nicolas Gaitan and reruns with Sami Khedira and those are just the three that I can recall off the top of my head. Are these even worth talking about? I guess I'm not sure. We're also buying a bunch of left backs. And half of Valencia's squad. Sure, why not. Oh, and of course the remaining half of Atlético Madrid as well. Godin, Miranda, Koke, come on down. Y'all can bring a friend, too, as long as it's not Torres.
So we probably should mention them -- hey, did I mention we're buying all these players? -- since they're out there, lurking on the backpages, stealing your braincells, destroying common sense one tweet at a time. Deadly, dangerous. Do not go in the water.
Here's perhaps the best one of late: selling Oscar so we can buy ... wait for it ... no, not Pogba ... not even another central midfielder or No.10-type ... no, we're selling Oscar to buy ... drumroll please ...
Jose Mourinho is finally set to axe Oscar this summer - and reignite Chelsea's interest in West Ham forward Enner Valencia.
Oh thank the maker, "finally!" Our long national nightmare is over. Save us, Enner Valencia! Oh man, I feel so reignited, you wouldn't believe. Well done, Daily Mirror.
Or maybe we're selling him to Liverpool? Or Juventus? But then how will we get Enner Valencia, our missing piece for world domination? How?! Tell me how, Mr. Jones of the Daily Mail (wait, don't you usually write for the Evening Standard?). Tell me!!! (Are there two Simon Joneses? Who can keep up with them?!) Tell me your fairy tales, Mr. Jones. I'll be down at the New Amsterdam. Is gray your favorite color? Tell me!!!