Not one. Not two. Not three. Not four, five, six, or seven. Not eight. Not even nine. Ten! Need both hands to count them. Ten!
That's how many locks there are on the doors of Gareth Bale, according to Marca. They were placed there, one by one, with the utmost care and precision by Real Madrid supremo Florentino Perez. To prevent people from stealing his prized possession for untold millions, you see.
In support of their claim, the Real Madrid mouthpiece offer up a Perez quote from a few months ago, just as the January transfer window was about to open.
"Bale is a key player. He has already done so much for the team and is a key part of our club's future. Every club knows that Gareth Bale will never leave Real Madrid and that the club will not discuss their star, no matter how much is offered."
"Just as I can't imagine Real Madrid without Cristiano Ronaldo, I can't imagine Real without Bale either."
The question of course is how much has Perez's stance softened on this issue in the intervening months. The fickle mob has already turned on Bale; will Perez be persuaded by fans and the media to cut his losses (as much as a £75m windfall that is supposedly Bale's buy-out could be considered a cut-rate deal)? Most importantly, would Chelsea be willing to invest that much just to troll Spurs again?