It's been a while since we've had a "war chest." It's been all FFP prudence and sell-to-buy as we watch the bottom line like Stone Cold Steve Austin. But we yell, "no more!" and we're going to make it rain (within FFP bounds and as allowed by UEFA and the accountants with the cold steely gazes into the depths of your weak souls, of course).
Weak like The Sun's pun game.
Such a strong image, war chest. Wrought iron and squeaky hinges. That musty smell of vanquished enemies. A muffled scream from the dungeons. We're ready to wage battle! Stacks of cash in my war chest. Stacks on stacks on stacks, soldier boy, tell them. What's in yours? A sword? A contract-signing pen is mightier than any sword!
Seventy-five million of Yokohama's finest moneys in our war chest. What shall we spend it on? Paul Pogba? Too obvious. Marco Reus? Too broken, too often. Raphael Varane? Too unavailable*. But apparently that doesn't matter, at least not in this morning's papers. The Telegraph, the Mirror, the Mail, many others, they're all running with it. Mourinho is fuming at our crap corner defending and his solution is to buy a defender from a defense that looked even worse than ours this week! Dude, one-game scouting works 5% of the time, every time, I'm telling you this.
* Ancelotti has maintained all season that Varane won't be sold, and the player himself denied any rumors of being unsettled just last month. He's been a regular starter since the turn of the year.
The prices quoted for the 21-year-old Varane range anywhere from £30m to £56m. War chest will have to work overtime to spit out all that cash. You can do it, war chest, put your back into it! Do war chests have a back?