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The Fast and the Furious: Cobham Drift

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Starring Diego Costa, Filipe Luis, two goalkeepers, one coach, and Didier Drogba.

High excitement at Cobham earlier today, as a nefarious plot was uncovered by valiant French hero Christophe Lollichon. The situation then threatened to escalate to a full crisis, but fortunately Didier Drogba was around to diffuse it. Good ol' Didier, always stopping wars and such.

What happened earlier was something straight out of a low-budget, hastily constructed, written, and produced Hollywood cash grab. Just bring in a couple big stars, give them some action scenes, spin the camera around a few times, and, of course, make things go BOOM a lot. Unfortunately, Michael Bay was busy with Transformers, part 17, so the task of filming fell into the hands of Chelsea TV.

The whole thing started when impatient young upstart Thibaut Courtois decided to eliminate all future competition and deal with this pesky Petr Cech "problem" once and for all. Remember all those amicable words of friendship in the media and pictures of them laughing together? Yeah, that was just part of Thibaut's plan. And he almost succeeded in lulling everyone to sleep. What he didn't count on was wily old fox Christophe Lollichon, who through his many years "in the biz," has seen and heard everything. You're not even going to believe what Ross Turnbull tried this one time; but that's a story for another day.

It's unclear at this time what exactly Courtois's plan was, but we do know that once found out, he called in the reinforcements. Up stepped the Atletico gang - Diego Simeone made them all swear blood oaths after all - Diego "The Driver" Costa and Filipe "The Tickler" Luis. Commandeering a green utility cart from Dr. Carneiro, they attempted to make a quick getaway this morning, just as training was about to start. Fortunately for Petr, who was disguised as a laughing, willing participant on the stretcher, Lollichon was ready to literally lay his life on the line. And the rest, as they say, is movie magic.

Or something.