Oh, Silly Season; you so... crazy. And funny. And silly. Also, get some sleep, why don't ya? Didn't you just put in a long and grueling three-month shift capped off by a frenzied last 24 hours of fax machines, private jets, and purple sex toys?
Chelsea to battle Man Utd for £60m Cristiano Ronaldo
The Ballon d'Or holder has been tipped to leave Carlo Ancelotti's side next summer, with a return to Old Trafford on the cards.
It is believed that United have set aside as much as £60million in a bid to bring Ronaldo back to England, and Louis Van Gaal is ready to offer him a lucrative deal exceeding his current £290,000 weekly wage.
However, reports now claim that Jose Mourinho has thrown his hat into the ring after forming a close-bond with the 29-year-old during their time together in the Spanish capital.
Unfortunately it is not known or even understood what the weapon of choice will be for said battle. My guess: unicorn horns made from Cheetos.
The apparent motivation behind all this nonsense is super-agent Jorge Mendes who has taken it personally that he could fleece Real Madrid and Manchester United repeatedly this summer (James Rodriguez, Angel Di Maria, Falcao all clients of his). Why he would want to get all petty and break that Madrid cookie jar is beyond me, but that's Silly Season logic for ya.
Every unsourced rumor has at least two sides of course, so here's the Evening Standard with other things that are understood.
"Chelsea and Manchester United will be publicly told this week that they have no chance of signing Cristiano Ronaldo. Spanish giants Real Madrid have decided to issue a statement after their Portuguese superstar was linked to a possible return to the Premier League."
-source: Evening Standard
Aw, shucks. So I should cancel that shirt order?