Edinson Cavani, his agent, or the media agitating for Premier League move once again

It's a good thing that I wasn't paying attention to French tabloids about ten days ago.  If I had seen Le 10 Sport's report about the recurring unhappiness of Cavani, I may have gotten unduly excited that perhaps a late El Matador-shaped change of heart on our part was the reason behind the delay in Diego Costa's official announcement.

...while Laurent Blanc told his players before the end of the season he would regularly change their tactical approach next year to allow Cavani to play more often in the axis, PSG [...] have changed his plans.

Now, Parisian leaders would be willing to consider substantial deals Edinson Cavani, who would no longer be fully [untransferable].

-source: Le 10 Sport via Google Translate

Yeah, had I seen that originally, y'all may have had to stage an intervention or something.  As it stands, Diego Costa looks inevitable and imminent, making any bid for Cavani superfluous and extravagant.  And so, as much as I want to reach for that extra potent Imperiale of Cavanilixir, having recently completed all 12 steps of Cavaniholics Anonymous, I shall try to remain strong.

Still, Sky keep bring them bottles to my house.

Sky sources are reporting that Edinson Cavani has instructed his agent to investigate a potential move to the Premier League.

...while he was at the World Cup in Brazil, Cavani refused to rule out a transfer to Manchester United.  Asked whether a move to Old Trafford was in his future, he said: "In football, you never know. Anything can happen. One day you are in one team and, the next day, you can be in another."

-source: Sky

Such enablers, these Sky sources, though the reasoning behind this latest request seems to be the same old story of not wanting to play in the shadow and on the wing of Zlatan Ibrahimovic.  I had thought that both PSG and Cavani had amicably withdrawn from that quagmire, but apparently Laurent Blanc has changed his mind.  Or some such.  Whatever the reason, whoever the real source, Cavani and the Premier League is back in the "news."  Boom?

The problem is, that can only be a bad thing for us.  Because he's not coming to Chelsea.  And he's probably not going to Manchester United with Van Persie and Rooney already there.  And he's probably not going to Manchester City either.  Liverpool on the other hand...  Gotta use that Luis Suarez money somehow, right?

Yikes.  This is the darkest timeline.  Hold me.