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The Daily Hilario: Matchweek 34

Your daily dose of off-topic shenanigans. Time for some football.

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The two matches that we truly care about are both tomorrow, so until then, let's hope for some laughs out of Arsenal or Spurs. Or perhaps both! That'd be grand. COME ON YOU JOSH McEACHRANS!

In other news...

If you're wondering about the strange kick-off times this weekend | Premier League
A minute's silence at 3:06pm (and one minute before all other matches) will be observed on the 25th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster.

Wayne Rooney might miss the rest of the season | The Busby Babe
Good for England; irrelevant for United.

Atlanta set to become the next MLS expansion site | SB Nation
So that's 23 of the 24 planned teams for this round. Let's hope they do better than the Thrashers.

Note to self: If I ever have a child, make sure he's born in January | David Bauer
Birth months of professional football players are distributed unevenly, with January-born children seemingly possessing a distinct advantage - an advantage that actually seems to be increasing!

FOOTBALL (all times BST):
11.00: U18 Premier League, 5th(N) vs. 4th(S): Newcastle United U18 vs. Chelsea U18 (hey, that's us)
12.22: Championship, 4th vs. 10th: Queens Park Rangers vs. Nottingham Forest
15.07: Premier League, 16th vs. 6th: West Bromwich Albion vs. Tottenham Hotspur
15.07: Premier League, 14th vs. 13th: Crystal Palace vs. Aston Villa
15.07: Premier League, 18th vs. 17th: Fulham vs. Norwich City
15.07: Premier League, 8th vs. 19th: Southampton vs. Cardiff City
15.07: Premier League, 10th vs. 9th: Stoke City vs. Newcastle United
15.07: Premier League, 20th vs. 5th: Sunderland vs. Everton
17.07: FA Cup, semifinal: Wigan Athletic vs. Arsenal
17.30: Bundesliga, 1st vs. 4th: Bayern Munich vs. Borussia Dortmund
18.45: Eredivisie, 12th vs. 4th: Cambuur vs. Vitesse
19.00: La Liga, 15th vs. 2nd: Granada vs. Barcelona
21.00: La Liga, 3rd vs. 19th: Real Madrid vs. Almeria
03.00 (next day): USL Pro, 14th vs. 4th: OC Blues vs. Sacramento Republic FC

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