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Dispatches from the Department of Out-tacticking: The Chelsea Masseur Rises

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Billy McCulloch is the hero we deserve and the one we need.

Clive Rose

Billy Who?

By day, Billy McCulloch, late 40s, is a Chelsea masseur. He joined the club in 2001, having previously worked with both the English and Scottish national teams. Contrary to José's ears, he's not actually Scottish; he hails from fair Swindon in the South West of England.

By night, unlike most masseurs, Billy fights crime tells jokes. He even has his very own YouTube highlights; they mostly consist of bad jokes. If you can understand them. He also took an ice bath once.

If this old Mirror article is to be believed, he was once booed off stage at a charity dinner for one of his "gags." A cancer trust fund is probably not the best place for edgy jokes, Billy; best save those for the locker room. Which is exactly what he would often do back during the time of Mourinho I, helping players relax in the dressing room with his jokes. Now under Mourinho II, Billy seems to have been re-elevated back to pre-game motivator, passionate orator, mood-setter.

"I didn't speak. It was Billy (McCulloch) the masseur. He was screaming in his Scottish accent so much I didn't understand him. The players were clapping - okay, let's go. It was Billy's team-talk."

"The last time I spoke to the players was at midday. I'm serious. Billy was fantastic, I didn't understand but it looks like the players understood."

-Jose Mourinho; source: Chelsea FC

Billy McCulloch, Chelsea Masseur. Billy McCulloch, Wearer of RDM Jackets. Billy McCulloch, Teller of Terrible Jokes. Billy McCulloch, Minister of Out-tacticking. Billy McCulloch, The Dark Knight.