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Oscar's heart to pump blue blood until 2019, medical experts baffled, concerned

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The 23-year-old midfielder has admitted to suffering from a condition known as "Blue blood." At least until 2019.

The first symptom.
The first symptom.
Mike Hewitt/Getty Images

On Monday, November 10, 2014, at approximately 19:05 local time, the World Health Organization dispatched a crack team of research experts, grizzled itchy trigger-finger mercenary types, and zombie-fodder redshirts to West London to investigate, contain, and combat a mysterious outbreak of "Blue blood."

In an official statement, the WHO has warned that not much is known about how the affliction spreads, though many suspect that the rarified Premier League air (and many-point gap to the next serious contender) lingering around Stamford Bridge somehow plays a key role.  Therefore, the organization encourages all locals and visitors in the SW6 and surrounding areas to sing or chant as loudly as they can -- or just make lots of noise in general -- when faced with an individual (or groups of individuals) exhibiting symptoms of Blue blood.  The statement also warns that staying indoors does not necessarily offer viable protection, thanks to recent reports about transmissions occurring via the electromagnetic spectrum to TV viewers around the world.

While existence of Blue blood has long been suspected, this case provides one of the clearest examples yet in the new generation, and it is one that the team hopes will lead to a cure through careful study.  It should be noted that most do not believe a cure is possible.

The team, led by world-renowned experts Dr. Andrea Pirlo and Dr. Gianluigi Buffon describe one of the most spectacular symptoms of Blue blood in the following series of moving frames.  I should warn you, what you're about to see contains very strong material and may not be suitable for all audiences or for viewing at work.  Viewer discretion is advised.

Other symptoms could include crunching tackles, no-look passes, backheel flicks, impossible free kicks, doing ridiculous things with the outside of the right foot, constant switching of shirt numbers, and the strange ability to be in multiple places at the same time.  This is clearly a very serious condition, and utmost care and caution should be exercised at all times.

You've been warned.