Hundreds, if not thousands of years from now when we're knee-deep in universal affairs such as intergalactic peace or a cure for the nanotechnological plague, a science mission to the shelled-out husk of what was once known as the planet Earth will make a most wondrous discovery, one that will prove to be the final unifying solution to every single theory in every single branch of science to have ever scienced.
Transfer rumor quantum math, once practiced only by oracles across footballing nations on that tiny speck of dust in the waste-bin of the Milky Way galaxy shall help elevate humans to their final evolutionary form. Conjoined in a brainvolume stretching infinitely across all of spacetime and in every single parallel universe, we shall finally understand everything there ever was to be understood. And of course we'll report it exclusively on the Daily Express or Star or Goal.com.
One of the key archeological findings of the mission to Earth will be a report dated October 13, 2014 -- oh those limited proto-humans and their need for silly time-constructs, the scientist will shake their heads while clucking disapprovingly -- and entitled "Real Madrid's Petr Cech bid to seal Sami Khedira's Chelsea deal." Huddling over this impossibly fragile cellulose-based relic, the scientists will be shocked to discover that 2+2 does indeed equal 7.
Chelsea have stormed ahead of Arsenal in the race for Sami Khedira after it emerged that Real Madrid are looking to sign goalkeeper Petr Cech despite being linked with Manchester United's David De Gea.
However, the chances of Carlo Ancelotti landing [De Gea] are unlikely, and the former Blues chief is now planning a loan move for Cech with the view to a permanent deal.
Jose Mourinho is keen to bring Real's wantaway midfielder Khedira to give himself more options in the centre of the pitch, and the La Liga giants are ready to use the German as part of the deal for Cech.
The move is set to quash Arsene Wenger's hopes of signing the Germany international.
Well this changes everything! the space suits will exclaim, and then they'll share a laugh over Arsene Wenger's hopes.