Chelsea and West Ham save the fireworks for the post-match interviews

Chelsea fired plenty of shots during the 90 minutes on Wednesday.  Probably enough to win almost any match.  But not this one, not on this day.

Part of the reason?  They saved their best shots for late, perhaps too late.  So late in fact, that the best one came after the final whistle and not even on the pitch.  It came from a "sad" Mourinho, who was probably rueing his decision to go with the lockdown pivot of Mikel and Ramires in light of what he described as "19th Century" tactics employed by the visitors.

"I just told the boys it is very difficult to play a football match when only one team wants to play.  Football matches are about two teams playing and this match was only one team playing and the other team not playing."

"I told 'Big Sam', and I repeat my words, they need points and because they need points to come here the way they did, is it acceptable? Maybe, yes.  But at the same time I told (him) also, this is not the Premier League, this is not the best league in the world - this is football from the 19th Century."

"Cheating - I don't know if that's the right word; pretending injuries, the goalkeeper winning time since the first minute. Not after 70 minutes, the first minute.  Medical staff coming on, (players) kicking long balls to nobody, 10 defenders in the box. The defenders, they didn't put one foot outside the box. It's very basic."

-Jose Mourinho; source: FourFourTwo

And while the 19th Century bit makes for an attention-grabbing pullquote, Mourinho is self-aware enough to add the following caveat:

"I cannot be too critical because if I was in this position I don't know if I would do the same. Maybe, so I don't want to criticise that."

"I hope the point means something for them at the end of the season. My players did everything to try to win and to try to play."

-Jose Mourinho; source: FourFourTwo

Unfortunately for us, that "everything" did not include the necessary implements to tear down that West Ham wall.  No power, no dynamite; no cutting edge, no laser; no...drill?

"I am happy with my players. Especially in the second half the West Ham goalkeeper saved a lot but also other players without gloves, they saved a lot. They had five defenders who looked more goalkeepers than defenders."

"They threw their bodies at the ball, they slid, they gave a lot, so my respect to their spirit and their effort but my team tried everything. They played, they created, the goalkeeper saved, so I cannot complain about my people. It tried to change players to bring new things to the game but the only thing I could bring more was a Black and Decker, to destroy the wall!"

-Jose Mourinho; source: Chelsea FC

Where's Mr. Gorbachov when you need him?  Alas, we only have this buffoon:

"I knew he would, he can't take it can he? He just can't take it because we've out-tacticed (sic) him, we've out-witted him. He just can't cope!"

-Sam Allardyce; source: FourFourTwo

This man's a genius, everybody.  Make room.  Pay attention.  Watch out for low-flying spit.

"He can tell me all he wants, I don't give a s***e to be honest with you."

"I love to see Chelsea players moaning at the referee, trying to intimidate him; Jose jumping up and down saying we play c*** football. It's brilliant when you get a result against him... so hard luck Jose!"

-Sam Allardyce; source: FourFourTwo

Well, you can stick that in your trophy cabinet then.  Congratulations, Big Sam.