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Silly season: Chelsea's dream centre forward revealed

Warning: This post is a joke

Michael Regan

With the impending arrival of Nemanja Matic set to cure most of our problems in midfield (no pressure, Nemanja!), it's time for Chelsea to set their sights on help at centre forward. I know that Jose Mourinho has ruled out bringing in a striker before the summer and, indeed, has publicly put his faith in Fernando Torres, but that shouldn't stop us from seeking to upgrade if at all possible.

The Premier League is wide open this year and every little bit will count as Mourinho seeks his third title with the club, which makes it difficult for me to imagine that he wouldn't jump on the opportunity to increase his firepower up front if given half the choice. But who might fit the bill? Most of the planet's apex strikers are vital to their squads and would cost an arm and a leg to acquire, which leaves the field looking somewhat less promising.

That said, there's still value to be had; and I think I've identified what should be our number one target after Matic has been wrapped up:


Tyrannosaurus Rex

Strengths: Power, pace, aerial ability, hunger.

Weakness: Throw-ins, stamina, discipline.

Striking fear into the hearts of defenders worldwide, Tyrannosaurus brings in a unique brand of power and pace to the pitch. Long legs give him a massive stride, and his stature make him almost impossible to mark on set pieces and crosses. Although his technique is somewhat lacking, Chelsea currently lack a plan B when their brand of incisive, creative football isn't working, and Tyrannosaurus -- with a bite force estimated at around 40 kilonewtons -- would provide the strength that we've all been craving.

Yes, there are some weaknesses. We've seen the penalty for biting opponents during games, and with Tyrannosaurus we'd run the risk of losing a key option for ten matches should his hunger get the best of him. There are also some doubts as to his stamina; recent reports indicating that his has trouble recovering after using his explosive pace in game situations. But Tyrannosaurus wouldn't command any sort of transfer fee, and he'd instantly change the fortunes of the club. Seems like a no-brainer to me.

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