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Internet commenter poses as Mourinho, says TORRES IS BACK

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Laurence Griffiths

Will the real José Mourinho please stand up?

The Telegraph claims that the following words were uttered by The Special Happy One, but I'm quite certain that cannot be true. Anybody seen Kevin Kostka today? Did he put on his Mourinho mask and give a press conference?

"I don’t know if it’s confidence. I feel the guy is highly motivated, he works very hard."

"We want the team not to learn how to play with him, but to improve how to play with him. He is working very hard in training, we are happy with him."

So Torres works very hard. He's got that 'E' for Effort grade locked down. Just don't mention Didier Drogba to him. That makes all the confidence evaporate faster than our title hopes.

"Usually when he is clear, he scores that goal – but he’s missed. We know that this is Torres’ game."

HOLY REALITY DISTORTION FIELD.

Did someone check José's temperature? Did he catch Schürrle's fever? This is just a joke, right? Please tell me he didn't go on to use the "support" argum...

"...we want to adapt the team and teach the team how to use his best qualities because his game is his game."

"He is what he is and he is very good with the qualities that he’s got. So we need to learn and support his game."

Dear Diary: shoot me now.