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REVEALED: The real reason Abramovich wouldn't break the bank for Edinson Cavani

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Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow.
Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow.
Marco Luzzani

All along we thought it was due to FFP - not to mention a shift in emphasis towards youth - that Chelsea weren't willing to break the bank for Edinson Cavani. Too expensive, too old, too Torres-poisoned-chalice-y, they said. And so the €63m buyout clause was paid by PSG instead, who so very clearly needed to decorate their substitutes bench with such glorious hair. But I digress.

In a WAGNH exclusive, Abramovich aide Pedro Falsonombre-ovich has revealed that it was not the three-letter acronym FFP that dried up the Chelsea coffers, but rather the four-letter acronym BFYC, the Big [Funning] Yacht Championship. The BFYC is of course just one of Abramovich's many interests, but like in all his activities, Roman simply doesn't like losing.

As revealed in headlines all across the world yesterday, the Emirati royal family have dethroned our favorite ruthless baby-faced oligarch at the top of the BFYC pile where he had reigned supreme for the last three years with the 163.5 meter "Eclipse." Although the scouting network of drones and stowaways had warned Team Abramovich ahead of time of the imminent arrival of the 180-meter "Azzam," the news was not well received and at least two random lackeys were seen swallowed by concealed trap doors in the floor. At least the Kraken ate well that night.

While Falsonombre-ovich would not shed light on future plans, WAGNH understands that all funds - including the Cavani funds - were diverted and Team Abramovich have already begun work on the 200-meter "Fernando Titanic" to reclaim the BFYC title.

It's a foolproof plan.