Jose Mourinho's First Press Conference, LIVE / Open Thread

Please don't call us arrogant, but the "Special One" is now "one of us."

He's done his rounds in Italy and Spain, collecting "class one, two, or class three eggs" - some more expensive than others and thus resulting in better omelettes - but now he's back in the land of Waitrose, where they even let "you open and taste the melon" so you are 100% sure you're not getting Steve Sidwells again. And where the blankets are not short - "so that when you pull up to keep your chest warm and your feet stick out" - and they are not ordinary. "The blanket[s] [are] cashmere," so he can be content.

Things did change a little bit while he was out; we didn't have his dog to "[keep the] city of London safe," for one thing. Sir Alex Ferguson is also no longer available to bring some very bad wine to Stamford Bridge. And Arsene Wenger has faded from relevance slightly so we're not sure how he's getting on with his "big telescope to see what happens in other families" nowadays.

What we do know is that we've replaced the trio of Arjen Robben, Damien Duff, and Joe Cole with the three musketeers of Juan Mata, Eden Hazard, and Oscar so he can shuffle and rotate to find an ideal tactical solution. After all, "why drive Aston Martin all the time, when [he has] Ferrari and Porsche as well," right? "That would just be stupid."

Welcome home, Jose Mourinho.

The press conference will be streamed live on chelseafc.com (provided they work out their video embedding issues) and on the official Chelsea FC YouTube channel. The festivities start in about thirty ninety minutes, around 13:30 BST / 7:30 8:30 A.M. EDT / 5:00 6:00 P.M. IST.

Wonder what he'll say next?