Picking this year's gifts for the Chelsea players

Continuing the tradition, we present this year's edition of the gifts we would give to the Chelsea players.  Batteries and actual presents not included.

PETR CECH

Ouroboros bracelet
The serpent eating its tail has been an symbol of eternal return since ancient times.  Where there was once Cudicini, there is now Cech.  And where there is now Cech, there just might be Courtois soon.  In fact, it must be.  The tradition of goalkeepers whose name begins with a 'C' must continue!

BRANISLAV IVANOVIC

The Interpersonal Communication Book (13th Edition)
Presumably he's learned everything that last year's gift had to teach him and now he's ready to move on to the next level.  This may sound like a crappy gift, but Graham wanted to give him an AK-47.  And not as a museum piece to commemorate the recent passing of one Mr. Kalashnikov.

ASHLEY COLE & FRANK LAMPARD

The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
New adventures await.  Here's a guide.

DAVID LUIZ

A haircut
And not just any haircut, Steve wants The Illusion to give David a haircut.  Steve also doesn't believe in Santa Claus and hates chocolate and joy.

MICHAEL ESSIEN

New knees
And that's just the start of course, but you have to start somewhere and we have the technology.  Arise, Sir Bionic Bison!

RAMIRES

LEGO Balrog
His inner spirit animal, he who "shall not pass."  Get it?  Graham suggested a paint-by-numbers model, but there's no way Ramires would be disciplined enough to stay inside the lines.

FERNANDO TORRES

Sherlock DVD set
At this point, Sherlock Holmes is perhaps the only person who may be able to solve the mystery of Torres.  New season starts new year's day!  Yes, I'm well excited.

JUAN MATA

The Invisible Man by H. G. Wells
Spoiler alert:  the invisible man dies at the end.

OSCAR & MIKEL

A new suffix
I think people would warm to them a lot more if they were called Oscarinho and Mikelão, respectively.  Even without kicking a ball, Oscarinho is twice as good as Oscar.  Fact.  Meanwhile, Mikelão is incapable of passing backwards or sideways.  50-yard through balls all day, every day, that's the Mikelão way.

ANDRÉ SCHÜRRLE

Airplane! DVD
Surely, this gift giving business ain't that hard.

KEVIN DE BRUYNE

A copy of He's Just Not That Into You
Still a better love story than Twilight.

MARCO van GINKEL

Primer DVD
Luckily for MvG, I set a failsafe box way back in the summer.

EDEN HAZARD

Streamlight 69240 TLR-4 Compact Rail Mounted Tactical Light with Laser Sight
SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!  Since his standard-equipment missile lock takes too long to acquire its target, Hazard needs something that works accurately and fast.

DEMBA BA

Power Balance-The Original Performance Wristband
Like London Bridge, Demba Ba likes falling down.  Maybe this bit of snake oil will help.

WILLIAN

Cocoa Dusted Belgian Chocolate Truffles - 1 LB box
"Wait, you're NOT Axel Witsel?  But, 'fro!?  We made a huge mistake!"

GARY CAHILL

A pet penguin named Bob
Who else will keep Mike company?

JOHN TERRY

Doctor Who: The Time of the Doctor
John Terry clearly regenerated over the summer.  But just like David Tennant pulled it off once, he did so without changing his face.

CESAR AZPILICUETA

My Left Foot DVD
We thought this whole left back thing would be a debilitating condition, but Dave has overcome it just fine.

SAMUEL ETO'O

Major League Soccer rule book
Might as well start to get familiar with this.

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Now that you've seen our picks, what would you give?