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These are the transfer rumors of a Florent Malouda nature

Whatever it is you're doing right now, stop. I mean it. Right. Now. I have some very very important news. News of indescribable importance, sure to change the very fiber of this mortal coil. These news, these are spine-tingling, knee-weakening news. These news, many Bothans died for these news. These news, these are Florent Malouda news. You might want to sit down.

Prisoner Zero, always lurking in the corner of your eye
Prisoner Zero, always lurking in the corner of your eye
Mike Hewitt

Of course, when I say news, I mean rumors. Rumors that - in a sudden twist that no one could have foreseen - originate from the pages of the Daily Mail. Shock and awe! Rumors that contain absolutely no quotes but quotes are for losers. Real men don't need quotes, certainly not from actual sources. Actual sources are for losers! Real men, they spray themselves down with a metric ton of Axe body spray, smash a beer can on their forehead, and etch the following into their stone tablets (in cuneiform):

QPR are exploring a shock move for Chelsea misfit Florent Malouda.

BOOM! You should be feeling the ground shaking under your feet at this moment. Unless you're sitting down (didn't I tell you to sit down?), in which case you should be feeling it under your bum-bum (AND your feet - bonus! - because you're sitting properly, right?).

He has six months left on his deal and has been training with the club’s academy. QPR boss Harry Redknapp is keen but the midfielder would have to take a cut in wages.

KAPOW! Stonewall.

My favorite bit is the last paragraph of the Daily Mail story, which, like a bad cut from a Michael Bay movie, somehow devolves into a Yann M'Vila sentence.

But back to Malouda. So he's off to QPR. Probably just like he was off to Santos in the summer and then to Lyon on loan and then NOT to Santos later in the fall and then...well, two weeks ago he was off to Evian.

Florent Malouda is set to be offered an escape route out of Chelsea by French side Evian.

Reports in France suggest the club have already been in contact with the Blues, as they are keen to seal an early move to aid their relegation battle.

-Source: Metro

But then it turned out that FloMo was just a bit thirsty. I strongly advise you to click that link, by the way, because that has got to be the biggest picture on the Internet of a water bottle. Glorious.

So, I suppose we should compliment the Daily Mail, since they actually came up with a potential destination that jives with not only the crazy buy-ALL-the-over-the-hill-players-and-everybody-else-as-well! policy of a badly run Football Manager save but also with the supposed reasons Malouda was so reluctant to move in the summer: wages & family. Because make no mistake, Malouda is Bogarde-ing the [fun] out of this.

'A 12-month pre-season, the best of my life,' Malouda joked recently when asked about his situation.

-Source: Daily Mail

But I can't hate; I'd be doing the exact same thing.

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