Going stir crazy. Is the Premier League still a thing? Football, was it?
We haven't had a match since the age before the fire and the wheel. This is nuts. The last time Chelsea played, there wasn't even an iPhone 5 nor had Robin van Persie picked up an injury.
I almost watched a reality show last night.
My life needs a point and I ain't got no Frank Lampard penalty to rescue one. I've tried everyhing else...
When all else fails. What do you mean we're only on the first option? Hydration is very, very important. It also helps in digesting this schlock you're currently reading. Wash it down.
B) Make up transfer rumors
TalkSport have been experts at this lately. Never mind the fact that the transfer window closed less than two weeks ago; no better time than the present to start talking about the next transfer window! Sources in Italy claim Juventus want Torres! Sources in Italy claim Juventus want Llorente! Sources in [country] claim [team] want [player]! Mustn't waste any valuable time. Jovetic set for Manchester City! Dider Drogba to Liverpool, Arsenal, and Juventus! That's right, he'll play for all three at once. January is almost here! Is Fellaini still relevant? Ah, who cares, print it!
C) Espouse tactical nonsense based on thrashing of minnows
It was the Miracle of Chisinau: the Lampard - Gerrard show! After just a piddly 100 or so attempts to get those two scintillating, dynamic teenagers to play effectively together, it all clicked so gloriously. It was the dawn of the new era! Ukraine - make that the rest of the world - will surely have no chance as England conquer like it's the 17th century! Oh…
D) Change your user name
E) Drink some more
Hydration. Yeah, that's it. Must stay hydrated. Do not let the current time in your local time zone discourage you; it's never too early or too late to work on maintaining appropriate levels of hydration. Bartender!
F) Discuss moral issues, politics, religion, puppies
One of those is not like the other.
G) Build a time machine
To skip ahead to Chelsea's next match, so we can fill our days with stories about the still unresolved racism-row between John Terry, Anton Ferdinand, and The FA. I bet they won't even shake hands. Or touch crutches. Or hug awkwardly. Or win the Nobel Peace Prize.
Also, is it time for a shift-change at the Wheel of Scapegoating yet? I nominate Juan Mata. That guy is the worst. So short, too.
Oh god, it's only Wednesday... HELP!