Premier League Predictions? WAGNH has 'em, Pt. I

It's that time again, friends. The Premier League season is upon us. Crazy, I know. Personally, I feel like I just finished watching Didier Drogba outclass Bayern in Munich. Wait, I did just watch that. I love you, DVR.

Anyway, with a new football season inevitably comes predictions. Some, particularly those offered by The Guardian's team of writers, are hilarious. Case in point:

All of West Ham's signings this summer have been over 6ft, leading to suspicions that Sam Allardyce will take going down with six points as long as both wins come against Arsenal. - Jacob Steinberg

Most, however, are outlandish, and almost none are particularly accurate. Well, that's where I'm wrong. You see, today the staff of We Ain't Got No History - minus a couple of members - is hitting you in the grill with their own thoughts on how the 2012-13 league season will play out. Judicious, these predictions are.

These predictions run the gamut, people. From the league table to analyzing what's going on up in Scotland, we've covered it all. Such is the volume of dead-on picks that I've had to break our selections into two posts. The first, which you obviously are currently reading, will feature only our thoughts on what the final Premier League table of the season will look like.

After you've enjoyed a nice laugh at the expense of our predictions - there are certainly no Miss Cleos on this staff (Stephen may well be psychic, I have my suspicions) - we hope you'll do us a solid and offer your own league table in the comments section. And then, you know, you can scoot over to Part II and check out who we all think we'll win the Scottish Premier League. You're on edge, I'm sure.

On with the predicting.

The 2012-13 Premier League final table
(as predicted by WAGNH staffers)

DPeezy

United - significantly improved squad from the one that lost out on the title on goal difference; plus because SAF
City - can only hope that Tevez/Balotelli timebomb combo goes off spectacularly
Chelsea - please please please
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The Gap of Rohan
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Arsenal
Liverpool
Newcastle
Tottenham
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Don't care
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Who are these people?
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Swansea
Reading
Wigan (save Victor Moses!)

Stephen Schmidt

Manchester City
Manchester United
Chelsea
Liverpool
Arsenal
Tottenham
Newcastle
Everton
Sunderland
QPR
Reading
WBA
Fulham
Stoke
Aston Villa
West Ham
Swansea
Southampton
Wigan
Norwich

TPalmer

1. Manchester City
2. Chelsea
3. Manchester United
4. Arsenal
5. Tottenham
6. Liverpool
7. Newcastle
8. Fulham
9. Everton
10. Sunderland
11. Stoke
12. Aston Villa
13. West Brom
14. Wigan
15. Swansea
16. QPR
17. Southampton
18. West Ham
19. Norwich City
20. Reading

Hard to go past City for the title again, and while I don’t think we will push them too hard we should have enough in the tank to get past United at the tail end of the season. I don’t know much about the promoted sides so I’ve gone with a gut instinct and predicted Southampton to be the only one of the trio to survive.

Kevin Kostka

1. Manchester City
2. Manchester United
3. Chelsea
4. Arsenal
5. Tottenham Hotspur
6. Liverpool
7. Newcastle United
8. West Bromwich Albion
9. Everton
10. Sunderland
11. Aston Villa
12. Stoke City
13. Fulham
14. QPR
15. Swansea City
16. Southampton
17. Norwich City
18. Wigan
19. West Ham
20. Reading

I think City will win the title again, in more convincing fashion than 2011-12, and Chelsea and United will be in a fight for second. Arsenal will again make the Champions League somehow, as Spurs fall victim to the curse of AVB, while Liverpool make a decent run at the CL. Newcastle will probably fade a bit from last season, while Steve Clarke will keep West Brom's momentum under Hodgson.

Of the rest, I think Swansea and Norwich will drop after their managers left for Liverpool and Aston Villa, who should improve. Sadly I think QPR will also improve. Towards the bottom, Southampton and Norwich will survive late, and this will be the year Wigan's luck runs out, and West Ham and Reading will struggle.

Jack Goodson

1. Manchester City
2. Manchester United
3. Chelsea
4. Arsenal
5. Liverpool
6. Tottenham
7. Newcastle
8. Everton
9. Sunderland
10. Aston Villa
11. Fulham
12. Stoke City
13. QPR
14. Swansea City
15. West Bromwich Albion
16. Southampton
17. Wigan Athletic
18. West Ham
19. Norwich City
20. Reading

Cold rock a party. Yeah, I know that had nothing to do with my predictions; I just enjoy saying it. As for my absurdly off picks, City are simply too strong, top to bottom, for anyone in the league. United, meanwhile, are trotting out a sensational attack - while completely ignoring the elderly in midfield. Chelsea - well, there is excitement but there are also plenty of question marks. Liverpool will somehow work its way back into Champions League contention (not really, this is simply a ploy to hex them prior to the season). Sunderland will impress because that's what Martin O'Neill sides do, right? As for relegation, I could care less - provided Ricky Lambert scores 15-plus goals this season for my fantasy side. Boom.