A Letter From Roman Abramovich To Daniel Levy

We Ain't Got No History's agents in the field have recently unearthed TOP SECRET and COMPLETELY NOT FICTIONAL AT ALL* correspondence between Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich and Tottenham Hotspur chairman Daniel Levy. The subject? Luka Modric, of course!

dear mr. levy

i will be being honest with you here. you have something i am wanting very much, and i am not talking about your old friend harry's impressive collection of the pornography. i am failing completely to see why luka modric is not wearing blue shirt. i offer lots of money, he wants come to chelsea, and you are not doing the selling.

is this how the tottenham people do business, mr. levy? i made very competitive offer, would make up for your team not being good enough for champions league. and yet i hear you offer luka to real madrid?

i speak to my friend jose and he says madrid luka interest not real and that he simply indulges in hobby of making nuri sahin have the saddest face that can be possible (nuri sadhin! LOL!). also know manchester united do not be having any money.

what is it you want mr. levy? do you need cash? i have lots of money, the financial fair play not an issue. hotspurs need striker? give you daniel sturridge, nice young man, top talent. free of charge. because we are businesspeople mr. levy and i have utmost respect for you. will even pay for surgery to remove malfunctioning computer chip from andre's brain. make him say 'project' every other word. bad for press if left in.

whatever you need, luka needs to be emancipating. so just call me abraham lincoln because i am hating the vampires.

ROMAN AWAY!

[hand scrawled drawing of stick man flying off via jetpack]

ps: luka be telling me of his frustration. he ask where he can be finding man with the polonium. i assume luka speaking in jest, because have heard that mr. levy very reasonable gentleman and cannot imagine anyone wishing harm upon him. told luka anyway. always being helpful. is good for reputation.

pps: being helpful good also for mr. levys reputation, yes?

*apart from all of it. Apparently I have to say this.