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Cavani and Lavezzi and Higuaín and Cristiano Ronaldo and Lions and Bears and Tigers, Oh My!

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Yeah dude, London!  You know, fish, chips, cup o' tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary fucking Poppins.  London!
Yeah dude, London! You know, fish, chips, cup o' tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary fucking Poppins. London!

It appears that the Telegraph's Jason Burt has accidentally confused his open Football Manager gaming session with the real world as he's claiming that Chelsea are "sizing up £80m summer move" for the duo of Cristiano Ronaldo and Gonzalo Higuaín. Perhaps with a certain Jose Mourinho thrown in as a makeweight? In this scenario, as a part of this deal, Higuaín would apparently be let go for the bargain bin price of £20m. Did Wal-Mart buy out Real Madrid while no one was looking?

But wait, there's more!

We're also rumored to be weighing up an offer of €35m each for the Napoli duo of Edinson Cavani and Ezequiel Lavezzi. Cavani, whose agents were apparently spotted in London this weekend, is "understood to be open to a move away from Napoli if a deal can be struck." Which is fantastic, since I'm understood to believe any random prognostication that is not attributed to an actual quote.

I suppose we better act quickly. These are limited time offers that are sure to sell out!

Here's my favorite sentence from that entire article:

All their plans are in the early stages, and no contact has been made with clubs.

No comment.

So...now that we've whet your appetite and/or tickled your funny bone, let's have a poll. Assuming that the world is good and the gods shine their light on Chelsea and just ONE of the above mentioned characters comes to Chelsea this summer, which one would you prefer (taking the price into account as well)?