Ashley Cole Will Not Leave Stamford Bridge This Summer

I was skimming through my Facebook feed in an idle attempt to avoid real work just now when Michael Essien gave me some amazing news. Here's what Michael had to say:

Chelsea defender Ashley Cole will not be leaving Stamford Bridge this summer! Read more.

I'm trying to figure out entirely what this means. I don't really want to read the actual article, because spending any time on givemefootball.com voids the warranty on my central nervous system, so I'm left guessing. Trying to figure out just what an article is talking about without reading the thing is a fun little game, so I'm going to give it my best shot.

May 15th

Dear Journal,

I'm not really sure what's happened. I nodded off for a few minutes, and now everyone's left! Found out all the exits are locked too. Would call or text someone but the phone's dead and the charger's in the car. Really annoying. Oh well, I'm sure someone will be around by tomorrow at the latest.

-Ashley Cole.

May 16th

Dear Journal,

Nobody's come by so I guess I'm on my own, haha. There's plenty of bottled water and some snacks, so I should be fine, and I've broken into the boss's office and got my air rifle back so I can have some fun too. Look out, pidgeons!

-Ashley Cole

May 18th

Dear Journal,

I can't believe nobody's come to find me yet. Where is everyone?! Running low on snacks, so maybe I'll actually have to shoot one of those pidgeons soon. Hope I'm a better shot than Raul Merelles. Lol!!

-Ashley

May 19th

Yo,

Raw pidgeon is really nasty. Terrible idea. Need some real food soon.

-Ash

May 20th

Dear Diary,

I was really really hungry yesterday so I want exploring. Man's gotta eat, right? I got lucky, too. Was walking down a corridor and I saw a sign that said 'staff only' and I guess I never thought about it before but I'm staff too! I'll give the caterers a big hug when I see them again. We are all Chelsea brethren. And sistren, lol!!!

Anyway behind the sign was the kitchen. Lots of food in the freezer so looks like easy street for me until someone comes to get me. Prawn sandwiches for dinner, haha! There's booze here too. This is like a holiday!

-Ashley

May 22nd

Dear Diary,

I have eaten £600,000 worth of prawn sandwiches since Sunday. Everything else needs cooking and I can't figure out how to work the microwave. Please send help! I wish you had internet access or something. Also, you need a name. I'll call you Billy. Billy's a good name. I don't want to just be talking to myself here or anything, lol!

-Ash.

May 26th

Dear Billy,

Sorry I haven't been writing much. Prawn sandwiches made be very ill. Found out how to turn over oven on so eating properly now. Hope you're ok.

Love,

-Ash.

June 1st

Hi Billy,

I know you were asking me if pidgeon was any better once you cooked it. The answer is no. Sorry

Keep it real buddy,

-AC.

PS: That's like AOC without an 'Oxlade'. Lol! Ashley Oxlade-Cole sounds like a made up name. Haha.

June 11th

What's up Billy,

Just wanted to say I'm sorry for hanging out with Rodger the goalpost for the past couple of days. You know how it is. We've just gotta see other people every now and then, and he was filling me on how England were doing without me. We're out of the Euros already, he says. No wonder, Leighton Baines is ****ing useless.

Sorry for swearing. I know you don't like that. Sorry.

-AC

June 14th

Dear Journal,

It's been almost a month since I got stuck here. God I miss real people. Except Jose Bosingwa. Can't stand that guy. Creeps me out. How come nobody's noticed I'm gone? Think I'm starting to lose it.

-Ashley

June 16th

Billy,

I know you're mad but not talking to me for two days is out of line. Can't we be grownups here?

-AC

July 1st

Hi Billy,

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I think that I hate you. Or you love me. Or I hate me. What's the difference? Starting to run low on supplies from the kitchen. Does it matter? If I starve I'm closer to the great truths. That's all you need, right?

Let's be friends again.

-Ash

July 17th

Dear Journal,

Today was a great day. Was wonderful seeing all the lads again. Lampsie throws great parties. Not to be missed. John was in great form too. Never a dull moment. Didier even came back to visit from China, was like the old days again. I love being a Chelsea player.

-Ashley Cole

July 18th

Dear Journal,

In talks with the bosses over a new contract! Think it's gonna happen. looking forward to breaking the news to Ryan. He might cry! Lol!

-Ashley Cole

July 19th

Dear Journal,

I'm having the strangest dreams. I'm trapped in an empty stadium with only Billy and Rodger for company. It's away. I wish they would stop, they're really freaking me out.

-Ashley

July 30th

Hey Billy,

Have you noticed that the night is never really black in London? It's always orange. Where are the stars? I want to see stars. Mankind is blotting out everything beautiful that the world has given us. But what can we do? I'm just one person!

-AC

August 2nd

Billy,

I'm so sick of Rodger's ****. Tell him that I'm done with that sort of stuff and that I want him out of my life. Please. You're my only friend left, Billy. Don't be like that.

-Colinho.

August 10th

THERE ARE LINES IN THE SKY. I AM THE HAND.

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

LONDON, England -- Ashley Cole has been found alive in London today, local authorities have confirmed. The former Arsenal left back was initially believed to be on extended holiday following his exclusion from the England team for the 2012 European Championships Finals in June, but was placed on the missing persons list in early July after being out of contact for months.

Cole had actually been trapped in the Stamford Bridge stadium complex since the conclusion of the 2011/12 Premier League season in May, and was found, emaciated and confused, by a member of Chelsea Football Club's janitorial staff as the team makes preparations to launch a new campaign.

When questioned about Cole's absence from preseason training, Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas expressed surprise that Cole was still with the club, claiming that he 'pretty much played the whole of last season with no left back' and that most of the previous year had been a practical joke designed to annoy 23-year-old Ryan Bertrand.

Cole is recuperating from his ordeal at Chelsea & Westminster Hospital, and is expected to make a full recovery.