The season of giving: WAGNH's Christmas presents for the Chelsea players

The holiday giving season is here! And provided we make it past the Mayan Apocalypse tonight, Christmas shall be upon us in just a few days. Preparing just for that possibility, the official Chelsea FC twitter asked the following question:

What present would you buy for which Chelsea player this Christmas? #CFCPMB

This is not a question to be taken lightly and so I've consulted the WAGNH braintrust:

PETR CECH

A cake marked 'EAT ME'
Which in turn he'd feed to Fernando Torres. Such a giver, that Petr. Alternatively, this could be a Falcao (or Edinson Cavani)-shaped box, but Kevin says that those are above the price limit. I bet Kevin's also the type of guy who takes joke presents (or worse, candles) to company white elephant Christmas parties instead of bottles of alcohol. Sheesh.

BRANISLAV IVANOVIC

Human Communication: The Basic Course (12th Edition)
Joseph A. DeVito (if that's his real name) will be delighted to have finally found an audience for his book! RAWR! Lamin has suggested suggested that DeVito ply Bane first with a couple leopard skin rugs, before beginning the actual lessons.

ASHLEY COLE & FRANK LAMPARD

iPhone 5
They want two-year contracts, right?

DAVID LUIZ

Dogtra 1900NCP Field Star
The 1900NCP is Dogtra's most popular e-collar and is "truly the star of the product line." It's almost as if they're describing the big shaggy puppy David Luiz himself! The 1900NCP has an effective range of a "full half mile" (as opposed to a half half mile?) and has 128 levels of "rheostatic levels of correction." Which is a fancy way of saying that one can shock the living bejeezus out of somebody. The range should allow the person controlling David to be anywhere in the stadium, even up in the broadcasting booth. You're welcome, Gary Neville.

ORIOL ROMEU & ROSS TURNBULL

War and Peace: Complete and Unabridged by Leo Tolstoy
Bonus perk: Oriol gets to work on his English. Maybe Ross, too, unless he already speaks it. Which he might, but then again assumptions have been made about him before - like, say, about his goalkeeping abilities - and those haven't exactly turned out too hot.

RAMIRES

Geordie Shore - Complete Season 1-2 DVD Set
You know, for the accents.

FERNANDO TORRES

Psychologists' Desk Reference
Self-diagnosis and medication is the only way. We don't have money left for anything else. Sorry, Fernando, FFP is a drag.

JUAN MATA & CESAR AZPILICUETA

A new manager for La Furia Roja
Somebody to looooove...love love love love those two as much as we do.

OSCAR & JOHN OBI MIKEL

Our Bright Future by Tracy Chapman
Lamin wanted to give this Mikel only. So now the question is, would they share just the one copy or should we get two? Certainly we would not want to encourage - gasp - illegal ripping and sharing of the CD! Then again, Mikel has been awful lonely since Salomon Kalou left the club, so maybe this could he his "in" to the Brazilian clique.

VICTOR MOSES

Moses's Favorite Travel Jokes by Lisa Harris
I bet Victor is super tired of all the parting of the [insert color here] sea jokes. So here's a compilation of other Moses jokes! Moses TRAVEL jokes, nonetheless. Let's hope it doesn't take 40 years to read it.

FLORENT MALOUDA

R2-D2 Astromech Droid
"Help me Rafael Benitez, you're my only hope." I bet if FloMo records his message in a metal bikini, his chances of success would also increase. But he's going to have to supply that himself. Wait, did I just mix movies in my references? Deal with it.

RAUL MEIRELES

A love note from the MRLSH Secret Society
You know who all y'all are. Don't call me; I'll call you. I can, however, reveal to you now that the founding member of the "Forever 16" club has already signed the note and - now that he has oodles of free time (no tears, no tears) - may or may not be hand delivering it to Raul in Turkey.

EDEN HAZARD

An handsome "Explosive Hazard Warning" t-shirt from the WAGNH Emporium
I love my Hazard warning t-shirt and I bet Hazard would love it, too. We could even get him two so that he could use the extra one to taunt his brother.

PAULO FERREIRA

An office at Stamford Bridge and/or Cobham
Clearly he's a bit lost and senile nowadays as somehow he keeps ending up on the pitch. But if he had an office with his name on it, he could fully concentrate on his main mission of keeping all the Portuguese speakers happy and acclimated to London life.

MARKO MARIN

Oval Shaped Woven Basket with Cotton Lining
I think this is big enough for Sick Boy, right? And it's lined, so he can make himself perfectly comfortable in there as he recovers from whatever latest communicable muscle strain he picks up next.

DANIEL STURRIDGE

Thomas Cook Pocket Guides: Liverpool (3rd edition)
I'm sorry. So so sorry... It's not you, it's us.

GARY CAHILL

A pet penguin named Mike
You're going to have to ask Graham about this one. Mike is such a terrible name for a penguin.

JOHN TERRY

English FA coaching badges
Might as well get started with this process.

Mr. INTERIM MANAGER

One-way ticket to Siberia
MERRY CHRISTMAS!