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Falcao and Chelsea flirt and it's kind of gross

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Jasper Juinen

Chelsea and Radamel Falcao, the pair of you disgust me. First of all, you're both grownups. If you like each other, just get it on already and quit with the adolescent note-passing. You're acting like a pair of hormonal, shy teenagers. I mean seriously, what is this nonsense?

Chelsea are champions of Europe and there is not much more to say than that. Even after winning the Champions League they still go and sign players of the highest quality. Their ambition is clear. I was also a big fan of (former Chelsea forward) Gianfranco Zola when I was growing up.

I would not be worried about the physical aspect of the Premier League. I have scored goals in Argentina, Portugal and now Spain. I am confident I can adapt my game to any league. I would welcome the challenge of the Premier League. I have watched the Premier League for a long time. There is so much quality and it is such an exciting league. Of course it is nice to think I might play in it.

-Rad. (Call me).

And then the reply from the Blues wasn't much better:

If you ask any manager, he would have him in his team. He is one of the best strikers, probably, in European and world football. His ratio of goals per game is quite impressive, not just this season but over the last three seasons, at Porto and Atletico Madrid.

-xoxo. Robbie.

Then there's the whole age gap thing. Falcao's 26 years old. Chelsea? 107. Ridiculous. By the half-your-age-plus-seven rule we shouldn't be making eyes at anyone under the age of 61 (which would explain our transfer policy in the late aughts). And then David Luiz gets involved and this all gets really really dirty.

But hey, whatever. Brave new world and all that. What's a 81-year-old age gap between friends... WAIT MAYBE FALCAO JUST WANTS US FOR THE MONEY. I guess we could live with that though.