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National Lampoon Presents: Chelsea's Majorca Vacation

Shit's about to get weird.


'Twin Beds?! FUCK YEA!!!'

Well then. Looks like Andre's still got a few surprises up his sleeve. Amidst the clamor of the impending QPR cup tie, JT's court drama, transfer shenanigans, and the general malaise that has descended upon our club this year, the boss has elected to take the team on a five-day trip to the Balearic Islands. Whaaaaaaaaa? Yep. He's doing this. After Saturday's Norwich fixture, the team will return to London and promptly board one of Roman's magnificent G6's and make the quick trip south for rest, relaxation, team-building, morale boosting, campfire-ish stuff. JUST WHAT WE NEED! Forgive me for being so cynical, I really don't want to be. Sure, there's a distinct possibility this trip is exactly what we need- a chance to get away from the spotlight and regroup for the stretch run. Some sun, some relaxation, and plenty of alcohol to go around. What's not to love? Well, it could also fall apart pretty quickly. Below is a quick list of how this might all play out- the pro's and the con's.


  • A chance to break out of a well-worn routine
  • Lighter training schedules (AVB has already made mention of this)
  • Plenty of down-time for the players to relax and escape the media glare
  • Repeated, and frequent XBOX FIFA competitions (I'm looking at you Danny)
  • Bob learns a new dance move
  • Fernando gets as close to his homeland as he has in some time, drinks from the fountain of youth, discovers his goal-scoring touch
  • Flo magically returns with braids, rolls back the clock to his glory days
  • Our African exports sneak out of the ACON for a night of rollicking madness
  • AVB shaves that ginger beard
  • On an evening stroll across the white sandy beaches, JT and Lamps discover a 6-foot-2 Cristiano prototype tooling about. Contract signed, and you get the jist.
  • The opportunity for Gary Cahill to adapt to his surroundings - albeit foreign ones.
  • AVB stumbles upon the greatest formation never played- implements it - and we go on a rampage through the table.
  • Juan Mata gets his first kiss.
  • Ramires has a back-alley doctor rip those braces off. He then proceeds to bust a move. Like this.
  • Bane settles his long-standing cold war with Mirko CroCop, beats him to a pulp. They hug afterward. The debate ends once and for all with Bane victorious.
  • An unsettling number of blonde women descend upon the island for a five-day stretch. Nine months later, a swarm of children arrive, and the new era of Chelsea WAGS are born.
  • Somehow, Peter Crouch wanders into the scene on the final evening. He gets a slap in the nuts for good measure. He somehow enjoys this.


  • The unprofessional nature of affairs leads to many of our players staying out past curfew, drinking in excess, soaking up too much sun.
  • No genuine training is accomplished.
  • Fernando completes his de-evolution into David Wooderson from Dazed and Confused. matthew-mcconaughey-dazed-and-confused
  • Juan Mata boards the wrong bus, heading to Playa Del Cornado Elementary instead of training. Undeterred, he completes all his coursework, gets a gold star from the teacher, hands her a fresh apple for her desk, eats all his goldfish, puts his crayons away with grace, and waits patiently for AVB to pick him up at 3:15.
  • Gary Cahill gets lost at baggage claim. He is never found again.
  • Kia Joorabchian lurks in the shadows of every bar, waiting for the precise moment upon which he can attack Daniel Sturridge like a Puma lying in the weeds. On deadline day, he is sold to Real Madrid for 45 million quid, of which Joorabchian nets 60%.
  • Bosingwa gets all uppity upon being carded at the hotel bar, instead pointing to his unibrow in disbelief, as if to say "FUCKING REALLY?!?!"
  • In London, Obi Mikel waits at Cobham. He still hasn't figured out where everyone went. He continually refers to this as 'The Best April Fools Week Ever'.
  • AVB loses himself in a Hemmingway-esque meltdown, pouring over ripped up tactic sheets and DVD clips. In a haze, he downs a bottle of scotch, swallows some pills, and orders an expensive prostitute to drown his sorrows. The next morning, Zahia Dehar is spotted in London looking at apartments.
  • Roman wakes up one morning and decides he wants to oversee training. Three weeks later, his 80-foot yacht arrives with him on board. So close buddy, so close. Maybe next time? Sure, you'll catch them next time.
  • Fernando fails to kick a rock into the ocean. Liverpool fans, giddy with joy, light themselves on fire. (I'd call this a wash actually).
  • Ashley Cole decides the real action is in Ibiza, and organizes a party boat to escort him and some 'choice birds' to his final destination. Dressed in all white everything, he is mistaken for the captain of the ship after a few shots. He pulls a Francesco Schettino after attempting to get close to Spain so he can spy on Cheryl while she shops.
  • In Paris, Carlo eats a baguette. He loves this. More than he loves Ramires.
  • In training, Bob delivers a reducer-style tackle that takes out Juanito. Abruptly, Roberto Mancini is spotted in the distance waving an imaginary card. (Had to go there).
  • Pepe decides to teach the Chelsea backline a few lessons in thuggery. Michael Essien decides to lead the team in a rousing rendition of Thuggish Ruggish Bone. At this point, Romeu snaps and decides it's time to return to Barcelona. Silently, AVB and Emenalo weep.
  • Undeterred, Emenalo inks the entire Duggar family to a lifetime Chelsea contract - not to be outdone by his own triplet signing! Ha-HA!

Well, there you have it. Either way, they're off on Saturday. Hope for the best, expect the worst. Either way, we got a game this weekend we can't look past. Here's hoping the squad aren't either. Carefree, friends.

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