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7 Things Luka Modric Should Do If He Wants To Leave Tottenham

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Several sources are reporting that Chelsea are about to lodge an improved bid for Tottenham Hotspur and Croatia midfielder Luka Modric, bringing their offering price up to about £27M (some are reporting £25M). Spurs, of course, are probably going to very loudly reject the offer, because as they keep telling Chelsea and Modric, the little playmaker is going nowhere. Ever. At all. Except the bench, unless he shuts up about wanting to quit.

So, we have a situation where three sides are unhappy: Spurs have got a player who wants to leave that they don't want to sell and can't replace, Chelsea don't have the player that they want and Modric isn't on the team he wants. How do we resolve that?

Since I don't want to make Spurs happy here, I won't be giving Daniel Levy any advice. He can work all of that out himself. Chelsea just need to hold the line and wait for the situation to resolve itself - they certainly should not be bidding higher than the region that they're already in. But Modric... I have some ideas about how he can engineer a switch to Stamford Bridge, if he wants it badly enough. Here's a seven-step plan for escaping White Hart Lane.

Warning to Tottenham fans: Some of these could be construed as poking fun at your club. Sorry*.

*Not sorry at all.

  1. Loudly proclaim how upset you are with Daniel Levy and Tottenham Hotspur's conduct in the newspaper. Demand a move to Chelsea.
  2. Turn in a transfer request.
  3. Hum the UEFA Champions League theme loudly whenever you see anyone in Tottenham equipment. When questioned, just look down and say "Sorry, I was remembering the good times." Then sigh mournfully and shuffle away.
  4. Start calling Rafael van der Vaart 'Frank'.
  5. Have a conversation with Brad Friedel about how you'd love to help him out with his debt concerns if only you were playing for a club that would offer you a market-value contract.
  6. Purchase and wear steak**-flavoured cologne. Walk into White Hart Lane. Wait for thirty seven seconds. Proceed to sue Harry Redknapp for sexual assualt.
  7. Purchase pointy elf ears from your local LARPing supply store, then superglue them to Gareth Bale while he's in the training room. Then release a horde of orcs during training. Bale's fast, but he can't run forever.

Realistically, I can't see Modric ever wearing a Spurs jersey again. Stranger things have happened, I suppose, but bridges are burning now and despite Levy's insistence that Modric will not be allowed to leave, he doesn't have much choice unless he can actually convince the Croatian to stay. Without making silly threats.

But really, Luka. Transfer request, please.

**Orginally, this read 'bacon', because bacon smells better than steak. However, an enterprising Spurs fan has decided to get upset about that, and so in deference to the sort of people who makes sure the spectre of racism is still alive and well, I have changed the meat in question.***

***Please don't be a Hindu, Harry.