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(A Fake) Chelsea FC Fixture List: 2011/12

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LONDON, ENGLAND - MAY 15:  John Terry of Chelsea acknowledges the crowd following the Barclays Premier League match between Chelsea and Newcastle United at Stamford Bridge on May 15, 2011 in London, England.  (Photo by Mike Hewitt/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - MAY 15: John Terry of Chelsea acknowledges the crowd following the Barclays Premier League match between Chelsea and Newcastle United at Stamford Bridge on May 15, 2011 in London, England. (Photo by Mike Hewitt/Getty Images)
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The Premier League, home of some of the notoriously [redacted] lawyers in the world, have released their fixture list today. We're not allowed to publish it because for some reason they think a fixture list is copyrightable, so instead I'm just going to invent my own fixture list. If you want the real one... this isn't it. Sorry.

Then again, what with all the Sky changes, the official list isn't likely to be the real one either. Oh well. This version is (maybe) funnier anyway.

Saturday, August 13 2011
Chelsea at Football

Chelsea open their season with a match against a football team of some description. It will be excellent. Maybe. Perhaps.

Saturday, August 20 2011
Chelsea vs. Polar Bears

Chelsea's first team will be in the arctic visiting polar bears this weekend. They will use the corpse of Paulo Ferreira's career as bait.

Saturday, August 27 2011
Chelsea vs. Chicago Bears

Chelsea travel to Wembley to play the Chicago Bears. Sport to be determined.

Saturday, September 10 2011
Chelsea at Ebola

Didier Drogba contracts ebola, plays though it for several weeks in hopes of somehow infecting Wayne Rooney. Salomon Kalou still doesn't start.

Saturday, September 17 2011
Chelsea at Boredomoclock!

This weekend will be super, super boring. Would advise skipping it entirely.

Saturday, September 24 2011
Chelsea vs. Birds!

ZOMG BIRDS!

Saturday, October 1 2011
Chelsea at United Nations

Didier Drogba cures ebola with the power of his mind, travels to New York to find a solution to global conflict and hunger. Unfortunately, he's weighed down by bureaucracy and fails in his task. Calls Ban Ki-Moon a 'fucking disgrace' as he storms off.

Saturday, October 15 2011
Chelsea vs Vikings

No, not the Minnesota Vikings. It's the Battle of Stamford Bridge II: Now It's An Anachronism!

Saturday, October 22 2011
Chelsea at Some Bloke's House

Gosh, it's way too small to fit everyone in here. I told you we should have gone bowling, guys.

Saturday, October 29 2011
Chelsea vs. John Terry

Chelsea appoint Guus Hiddink as manager. John Terry said to be disappointed at demotion to Captain, Leader, Legend.

Saturday, November 5 2011
Josh McEachran vs. the World (Josh wins)

Josh McEachran replaces Terry as England captain after successfully leading an assassination operation against Xavi Hernandez and Andres Iniesta. Josh quoted after the hit as saying, 'Their flesh feels me with dark, fierce glee! My soul cries out for blood! And a quick, neat passing game.'

Saturday, November 19 2011
Chelsea Reserves vs. Zoo Animals

Milan Lalkovic is faster than an ostrich. Danny Pappoe is not taller than a giraffe. Ross Turnbull is terrified of llamas. And parrots. And seals. Everyone else laughs at him.

Saturday, November 26 2011
Chelsea vs Frank Lampard's Groin

Frank Lampard returns to training following groin injury suffered against Stoke City in August 2010.

Saturday, December 3 2011
Chelsea at Someplace Cold

Guus Hiddink hired again, said 'it didn't take' the first time.

Saturday, December 10 2011
Chelsea vs. Lord Ferguson

Chelsea winger Alexis Sanchez turns out to possess One Ring of Power, dispatched to Manchester to put an end to Lord Ferguson's reign. Ferguson dispatches the Nevilles to stop him on his quest.

Saturday, December 17 2011
Chelsea at Historical Re-enactments

Chelsea lose badly after being distracted by the team's upcoming historical re-enactment of the excommunication of King Henry VIII by Pope Paul III. Frank Lampard puts in excellent display as Henry XIII; has Christine Bleakly executed.

Tuesday, December 20 2011
Chelsea at Hilarious But Deadly Incident

Chelsea reserve goalkeeper Ross Turnbull slain in freak llama/parrot/seal attack. A comedy funeral follows.

Monday, December 26 2011
Chelsea vs. Santa Claus

Chelsea ruin someone's post-Christmas mood. I hope it's not mine.

Saturday, December 31 2011
Chelsea vs. Hilario

Hilario storms off after not being allowed to play for the reserves. Chelsea replace him with a stick that has a bucket for a head. Stick has trouble sitting on bench, doesn't last long.

Monday, January 2 2012
Chelsea at Aulis

Chelsea celebrate 299th birthday of french actress Marie Dumesnil by staging touching rendition of Iphigénie en Aulide. John Terry moved to tears by scene in which Agamemnon misses penalty in Russia.

Saturday, January 14 2012
Chelsea vs. Zombies?

Xavi Hernandez and Andres Iniesta rise from their graves as zombies, pledge to infect England captain Josh McEachran as revenge for their murders. Chelsea said to be concerned.

Saturday, January 21 2012
Chelsea at the Land of the Far-Fetched

Fernando Torres scores second goal for Chelsea. Questions arise as to whether zombie apocalypse has spread to opposition defence.

Tuesday, January 31 2012
Chelsea at Token Arsenal Joke

Zombies infiltrate London by posing as crowd at Emirates Stadium. Climate of fear descends on city. Branislav Ivanovic eats small child, knowing he can blame it on the zombies.

Saturday, February 4 2012
Josh McEachran & Josh Terry vs. Zombie Menace

Xavi Hernandez and Andres Iniesta lead zombie army to Stamford Bridge, succeed in capturing Josh McEachran but fail to infect him due to McEachran already being a zombie. Zombie hordes then destroyed by glimpsing His Holiness England's Brave John Terry. Hernandez and Iniesta escape, beating Manchester United 4-0 on way back to Spain.

Saturday, February 11 2012
Alexis Sanchez at Pits of Satan

Alexis Sanchez throws One Ring of Power into the blazing furnaces of Satan that lie under Old Trafford. Lord Ferguson is vapourised and his empire crumbles. Wayne Rooney becomes slightly less ugly.

Saturday, February 25 2012
Chelsea vs. Staying Home and Having a Cuppa

Nothing happens this week. Have a cup of tea. HAVE A CUP OF TEA NOW.

Saturday, March 3 2012
Chelsea at Frank Lampard is Getting a Bit Carried Away, Yeah?

Frank Lampard deposes Queen Elizabeth II, assumes throne of the United Kingdom as King Henry VIII Version 2.0, orders formation of New Church of England and reconquest of Canada. World bemused as Lampard easily overruns Canada's defence moose.

Saturday, March 10 2012
Chelsea vs. More Football!

Chelsea record a routine win against a mediocre football team to keep their title challenge alive.

Saturday, March 17 2012
Chelsea at Put Money On This

Fernando Torres scores third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth goals for Chelsea. In postgame interview, Torres says, 'I thought you scored this game like golf the whole time. Really sorry everyone.'

Saturday, March 24 2012
Chelsea vs AAHHHH SPIDERS

Chelsea fire Guus Hiddink, appoint Roman Abramovich's four-foot tall pet spider Snookums as manager. Florent Malouda and Nicolas Anelka run away.

Saturday, March 31 2012
Chelsea at The End of John Terry?

King Henry VIII 2.0 stages royal wedding. British forces invade and conquer United States while country is distracted. John Terry dropped from national team to accommodate New York Red Bulls defender Tim Ream. His fate is unknown.

Saturday, April 7 2012
Branislav Ivanovic vs A Frightful Hunger

Branislav Ivanovic roasts and eats Snookums after having a few too many to drink. Chelsea announce that Guus Hiddink will be their next manager. Abramovich consoles himself by buying another petite lap giraffe and bathing in money.

Monday, April 9 2012
Chelsea at The Return To Some Bloke's House

This was a bad idea the first time, you idiots. And you've got wine all over the floor!

Saturday, April 14 2012
Chelsea vs. Fashion

Chelsea announce their new home jersey will have blue and purple diagonal striping and will also be a hoodie. Their shorts will be orange with a black furry tail. Ashley Cole expresses delight with tastefulness of design.

Saturday, April 21 2012
Chelsea at Bowling Alley

Chelsea go bowling. Didier Drogba breaks leg after wayward toss by Salomon Kalou. Yuri Zhirkov bowls three straight 300s. Rest of team wonders who 'the Russian guy' is.

Saturday, April 28 2012
Chelsea vs. John Terry's Return

John Terry leads an army to Wembley Stadium in order to reclaim his rightful place as England's Brave and Loyal and Excellent Captain John Terry. During a rousing speech, he tweaks his back, ruling him out for six weeks. Didier Drogba reveals himself to be cyborg when leg mends itself in time to play this week's match.

Saturday, May 5 2012
Chelsea at Foregone Conclusions

Someone wins the league. Someone gets relegated. This always happens. What's the point? Blogger has existential crisis.

Sunday, May 13 2012
David Luiz vs. Alien Invasion

David Luiz's hair saves earth from alien invasion. Operation nearly fails when David Luiz makes a random crazy charge at exactly the wrong moment, but it was adorable so everyone forgives him.