Bored Of Manager Rumours, Media Turns To Assistant Manager Rumours

Guus Hiddink. Guus Hiddink. Guus Hiddink. Ok, now that my search engine optimisation obligations are out of the Chelsea FC manager news way Ray Wilkins, let's talk about the latest hot Blues rumour floating around the internet. You can always rely on the Mirror to flat out make things up when they're bored, and they don't disappoint now, conjecturing that Ray Wilkins is on his way back to Chelsea per Guus Hiddink's demands. Some choice* excerpts from their brilliantly insightful piece* are after the jump.

*For 'choice' read 'painfully bad'. For 'brilliantly insightful' read 'Mirror standard'.

Guus Hiddink wants Roman Abramovich to swallow his pride and let sacked Ray Wilkins RETURN to Chelsea.

Wilkins' shock axing in October sparked the winter slump that culminated in Carlo Ancelotti's forced departure last month.

I love how the Mirror is now employing telepaths to discern Guus Hiddink's wants and desires. It's like phone hacking, only crazier! This mind-reading lark is much easier than actually going and asking Hiddink and then quoting him. That would be silly.

Next we have the tired old story that Ray Wilkins 'sparked' Chelsea's slump in the winter, which is like saying that me angering Zeus by not offering up a bull for live sacrifice on Halloween** 'sparked' Chelsea's slump in the winter. Yeah, both things happened just before the slump, and, yeah you probably don't want to disrupt the training room or offend a vengeful god, but since we are living breathing human beings and all capable of rational thought, one might actually point to the hilarious rash of injuries and diseases Chelsea players incurred around that time too as possibly having more of an effect than them missing a creepy-looking (but loveable) bald man. Although, come to think of it, the malaria thing does sound like Zeus' style.

**Do this in front of trick or treaters. It's hilarious.

The Dutchman knows Wilkins would be an immensely popular figure among the majority of the dressing room and make his task easier.

It is uncertain at this stage whether Wilkins would want to return, just eight months after being shown the door.

But the fact that Hiddink is trying to resurrect the managerial team that helped deliver the FA Cup during his four-month spell at the Chelsea helm suggests he wants to hit the ground running.

I love the first sentence in that passage. Wilkins will be popular, and would make Hiddink's task easier. Either that's a pair of clauses that aren't related, which would be writing far below the Mirror's lofty standards, or dressing room popularity implicitly for the assistant manager makes the manager's job easier by definition. If that's the case, I nominatea really cute puppy for an assistant manager. Blam, sorted. It wouldn't be very good at assistant managing, you say? No problem. Its popularity will make Hiddink's job so much easier he can assistant-manage too.

As for the second paragraph: I THOUGHT YOU COULD READ MINDS MIRROR WHY NOT JUST READ WILKINS'. MUST YOU TOY WITH MY EMOTIONS SO?

The last bit's also genius. The make-up fact that Hiddink wants Wilkins back implies that he wants to make a good start? Hiddink being a potential manager for a top-level football club would actually be what does that, I'd expect. Or does the Mirror live in a world where managers are perfectly happy to start slowly?

And then there's this, which the Mirror secretly inserts into your clipboard every time you copy anything on their site. As far as I can tell, its sole purpose is to mess up my formatting. I'm including it here so as to move the hyperlink back to the Mirror further down the page as punishment.

Read more: http://www.mirrorfootball.co.uk/news/Chelsea-news-Guus-Hiddink-wants-sacked-Ray-Wilkins-back-on-coaching-staff-when-he-returns-later-this-week-article746794.html#ixzz1PFPHFITV
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Anyway. Moving on to actual news from actual newspapers, the Fulham & Hammersmith Chronicle have quoted Chelsea chief executive Roy Gourlay as saying that Chelsea need a new manager before they can make signings:

We've identified key players that we'd like to bring to the team, players who can strengthen the team but of course we'll probably have to wait until the new coach is in place.

This would probably explain why nothing is happening in terms of acquisitions, and really just serves to make me antsier about Hiddink coming on. Just hire him already, guys. Please?