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Carlos Tevez Commits Future To Manchester City After Revealing He No Longer Misses His Daughters

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Argentinian forward Carlos Tevez has withdrawn his request to be transferred from Manchester City following a trip to his home country for a reunion with his family that he described to reporters as "massively annoying." Tevez had angrily demanded that he be allowed to leave the club less than a week ago claiming a loss of his love for the game, and an irredeemable rift between himself and several City executives. Worst of all, however, was his separation from his two young daughters, who still live in Argentina.

Despite referring to his children constantly in the weeks leading up to Christmas, Tevez emerged in Manchester this morning bright eyed and ready to play. What changed?

"God, [the trip to Argentina] was horrible," Tevez confessed. "I step in the door and what's the first thing I see? Someone's written 'Freed Flintstn' on top of the painting of me in the foyer. In Sharpie too. That **** doesn't come off. Next thing I know and one of the little brats throws one of those little toy trains at me. Got me right in the ****ing eye.

"That sort of **** really makes you re-evaluate your priorities in life, you know. I'm the captain of a pretty good football team - Kolo Toure aside - and I get paid millions of pounds a year to play a kid's game. I realise now that I was wrong to criticise Gary Cook and the others at the club and I'd like to reaffirm my total commitment to Manchester City, the fans and my teammates. I've withdrawn my transfer request after meeting with the manager, on the condition that I be exempted from any future trips to Argentina with the team."

Tevez was than asked whether he'd be missing his two daughters or if there were any plans to bring them to the UK.

"Miss them? Not a chance. If I ever get that close to a dirty nappy again..." The striker sighs and the faintest flash of horror sweeps across his eyes. "I mean, at least when Nigel de Jong wets himself he doesn't ****ing ask me to clean it up."

The above was a work of satire and intended as a joke.