Not sure if you heard, but the USA advanced out of the Group of Death. It may not have been pretty (best 0-1 loss ever!), but it's done and now they face the so far thoroughly unimpressive (though quite solid) Belgium. Here's the only reaction you need to this monumental achievement:
MORE IMPORTANTLY LET'S GO THROUGH ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE AT THIS PARTY BUT AREN'T. OH LOOK, HERE'S PREVIOUS WORLD CUP WINNER ITALY. OH, LOOK, THE COUNTRY THAT INVENTED THE GAME, ENGLAND. WE'RE ABOUT TO EAT ALL THIS DELICIOUS SHRIMP COCKTAIL WITHOUT YOU. WELL I'LL BE TIKI-TAKA'D, IF THIS ISN'T THE SPOT RESERVED FOR SPAIN. WE HOPE Y'ALL WERE ALLERGIC TO SHRIMP BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO GIVE COLOMBIA AND GREECE ALL OF YOURS, AND SKIM A LITTLE EXTRA FOR OURSELVES ON THE SIDE, BECAUSE THE DOORMAN SAID OUR NAME WASN'T ON THE LIST AND AHAHAHAHAHAHHHAA WE'RE IN THE VIP DRINKING CHAMPAGNE ON YOUR TAB.
GREECE DOESN'T EVEN SCORE ON PURPOSE.
AND THEY'RE HERE TOO.
Ladies & gentlemen, Spencer Hall. Catch the rest of that article here.
In other news...
USA-Germany sets new record for sports streaming in the US | The Verge
I think it actually crashed ESPN's service for a bit, too. Of course we watched on Univision because we get that for free (there was actually an official work party for this; sport of the future: we're getting there!).
Full NBA draft results | SB Nation
Somebody drafted a dude from the Cape Verde Islands!
Why nobody cares about the NHL draft | SB Nation
Short answer: because nobody cares about the NHL. Slightly longer answer: because NHL prospects take much longer to make it to the first-team, let alone have any sort of impact. Full answer: read the article.
Google turns on Project Ara for the first time in public | The Verge
Cool. Google making all sorts of waves lately, with Android L and Android Wear (hellllooooo Moto 360) and Android TV and Android Skynet. Wait, I think that last one is still a secret.
GoPro goes public, valued at $3billion | The Verge
Quite the success story. Who doesn't love some quality GoPro videos? Even lions do!
FOOTBALL (all times BST):
OH GOD THERE'S NOTHING.