Welcome to my reality, where Edinson Cavani and Chelsea are a pair of star-crossed lovers, whose inevitable and heartwarming union is constantly delayed by the tactics of nefarious, villainous men who probably never use their turn signals when changing lanes.
But the Uruguayan Matador shall never give up! It is not in his nature. He will fight through the obstacles placed between us, just like he fought through Chelsea's defense on Wednesday. Well, unless evil PSG president Nasser Al-Khelaifi cuts off all of Edinson's hair so that the striker cannot use it to fashion a sturdy rope with which to escape from the locked tower that currently serves as his prison in Paris.
"Cavani is very important for us, he is very professional and he gives everything. I appreciate that."
"If he wants to change positions, it is not his decision, it is the coach and he understands that. He is there to play where the coach decides. He may discuss with the staff and the club but the decision will be remaining with us. He is a star for the club and of course it remains."
-Nasser Al-Khelaifi; source: Sky Sports
"Now sit down, shut up, and do as you're told - just like current Chelsea number ten Juan Mata," Maleficient continued off the record.
What the president doesn't realize however is that Ezequiel Lavezzi will spring fair Cavani from the tower and they'll both jump onto Abramovich's chocobo and jet off to London as soon as the season's over. Or something.